The Pumping Chronicles #4

"My success as a mother is not measured in ounces." ... Work Pump Repeat taught me that little mantra. And boy oh boy is it helpful....

I hate wasting a $0.25 bag (aka the good ones my mom who watches baby pajamas can hook the nipple to) on 3 ounces of milk. ...3 measly ounces. Sometimes I wonder if its worth the stress and pain. But then I repeat the mantra and I remind myself that to have supply you must have demand. If that's not true with breast feeding its not true with anything.

Sigh I need a beer. And some oat meal... (To increase my supply duh...and cause beer)

The Pumping Chronicles #3

I just want to rant (okay maybe rage for a second). About breastfeeding. ... I'm going to admit it, I LOVE breastfeeding my kids (right now its just the baby obviously so chill). I LOVE that I am able to breastfeed my baby. I LOVE that baby pajamas has never had even an ounce of formula. And want to know something else? I'm fucking PROUD of myself for being able to stick through the hard work.

Let me let you in on a little secret, breastfeeding isnt easy. Its also not for everyone and I totally understand that, I also totally understand that milk dries up early, and shit happens that may have ryined your plans to breastfeed. I recognize that it's shitty and that it was probably really sad for you.... So here comes a fucking truth bomb...

When little pajamas was a baby it was all "BREAST IS BEST!" All the time. Now I have baby pajamas, and whole breastfeeding is still considered the best, suddenly I have to tread lightly when talking about that success, because that rhetoric is so strong that people feel bad about using formula... Can we all please stop fucking shaming each other for our damn parenting choices??? I want to be able to celebrate my breastfeeding success and talk about my breastfeeding goals without feeling like when I post a picture of my freezer stash I may be hurting my friends, if it does hurt you, let me know! Ill probably offer you some to give your baby.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but there has been so much pride lately for formula feedinf mothers, and that's awesome. However of your breast feeding, or pumping, or exclusively pumping GOOD FOR YOU. Its amazing that we can give this gift to our babies isnt it? Itsnt it great to not have to buy formula? Isnt it convenient to not have to bring bottles with us everywhere unless we choose to? Be proud of yourself and your baby no matter what you are feeding it. You are all doing a good job!!

And hey just incase you care ( I want you to care!) I am about half way to my goal with baby pajamas. He's 9 months and id love to make it to 18!

The Pumping Chronicles #1

I am pumping right now. Isn't modern medicine pretty amazing. I get to work full time and have an infant. Yay America... Obviously I'm joking. I have several draft posts from the last 7.5 months of being a mom of two, and I just havent had the where with all to finish them.

This week at work I had an opportunity for some training that can really advance my career so of course I took it. Only problem, up until last week I had been pumping 3 times a day still. I am so relieved I have had success pumping with baby pajamas, since it didnt happen at all with little pajamas. Daddy Pajamas has been instrumental to our success breastfeeding with this second baby.

But I cant help but think about how much of my time I'm spending attached to my pump and not my baby. I love that I can provide for him and it saves us money, but what benefits are we losing out on from not actual breast feeding all the time?

I have to go to much greater lenghts to keep my supply up. I constantly worry about it and it means letting him eat as much as he wants all night long. ... Long story short now that baby pajamas is eating more solids I'm finally decreasing down to twice a day. And this week I'm only getting in once a day. Its hard, and I just keep reminding myself he's worth it and wete saving so much money on formula.

Pump, I both love and hate you.

Nursery Reveal!

With this being my second pregnancy I've pretty much been nesting to some degree since week 15 of this second pregnancy. Tomorrow we will be into week 36, and then full term baby! So really Baby Pajamas could be making his debut anytime... Like really anytime. I'm hoping he still hangs in there until October though, it just seems like a fun month to have a birthday.

This pregnancy in general though isn't the intent of this post. Being in our new home and being able to give Baby Pajamas his own room has meant a lot of hours spent on his nursery, many trips to Ikea, Target and Joann fabrics because I've gotten to DIY quite a bit of his nursery. I've often contemplated a sister blog to this one or a the occasional post here show casing how to's on some of my projects.

 

Note the wall. I can name every mountain range on that feature wall. My sister was nice enough to help me it took hours of blending paints, and sketching each range or mountain. I laid them all out in CAD on a grid of the wall and then transposed it up onto the wall. It was a fun project, and is by far my favorite thing in the room, at least until Baby Pajamas comes! :) We were lucky I have hung on to quite a few of the larger things of Little Pajamas, so were reusing his crib. Hopefully we will get a new mattress for it before he is sleeping in there on a regular basis though. 

See the awesome corner shelves?? My super awesome step father in law made those for us totally custom with reclaimed barn wood from his grand fathers barn. Meaning they came from Little / Baby's GREAT GREAT step grandparents barn... Which I think is just so cool and special! Check out the mountain range shelf below, he made this for us too. Its so beautiful and we've definitely been super spoiled! I am so grateful for everything that our families have given up and helped with in making this room the perfect oasis I have imagined. 

The glider has had many an hour spend in it with Little Pajama and I am so grateful that I hung onto it so many more snugly memories could be made in it. It may be hard to tell, but the picture on the wall up there is from the My Brother My Brother and Me tour in the PNW last summer (2015 when we couldn't be there because we were in Yellowstone), it was a candle nights gift from my sister, and I was waiting for the perfect spot to put it, Baby's nursery ended up fitting the bill, of course, we weren't pregnant when I received it. 

The mint curtains were sewed and one of the last things I finished up before I felt ready to share his nursery with all of you. The white blanket keeps with the neutrals in the room, and I love the pop of orange the fox pillow provides, the blanket, reading light, and blue storage trunk are from Ikea, and the pillow is from Target's Pillow Fort line. 

 A childrens Poang and a close up of the reclaimed shelves.

 We fell in love with this little rustic looking clock at Ikea so I can keep track of how long I spend nursing. and the bear is a night light, again from Target's Pillow Fort line. Its really sweet all lit up at night!

 

Fun fact this Bison was bought for me when I was 18 months old because I could snort like the Bison in Yellow Stone. 

 

We found this dresser on craigslist and were able to paint and customize it for our needs, it also meant we didn't need to take up extra space for a changing table since its the right height. (Bonus it has a mate that we haven't done anything with yet but put in Daddy Pajama and I's bedroom where we desperately needed more storage!) 

Look at these precious fawn drawer pulls we put onto the top two drawers of the his dresser. (We found them on Etsy!) 

Little Pajamas was amazed at my abilities to create this arrow using painters tape while we put the blue layer on the dresser. There is one on the other side pointing down, but its hidden by his corner laundry hamper. 

 

This crib skirt is another DIY its fully adjustable so it wont be all bunched up on the ground as we lower the crib once he learns to stand. Plus I love the arrow print, it has so many of the colors we incorporated into the nursery... On a side note I have a ton of extra fabric from it which happens to be out door fabric so I'll likely be making something fun with the remainder for next summer.

Another on par Ikea find. 

And me! 36 weeks pregnant! Were getting close folks!! 

I have a ton more pictures of my organized drawers and closet... but I think this is enough for this post. Its easily one of the most soothing rooms I've been in, its calm and cool and just right for our little explorer. We are so excited for him to make his debut! 

To the Twenty-something Mums

Did you see the blog post, your thirty something mom friends shared to facebook this week? Isn't it cute that they think they are only going to miss out on a decade of "being themselves"? Or maybe that's privilege they get for having had three decades to get to know themselves before seemingly giving up who they are to become a mom.

I read this post, despite the title. I thought surely this will apply to me too, most similar blog posts done make me feel like shit or make me want to scream (sure at myself). The other twenty-something mom's out there know what I'm talking about.

The Mom uses a pool reference, she talks about all the thirty somethings in the kiddie pool with their kids, while the shiny unknowing 20 somethings read magazines and sip on cool beverages without a care in the world.... To the 20 something moms who may have been mixed in with that crowd I SEE YOU your the one checking your phone not for Instagram, but to make sure you can make it pick your kid from Grandma's on time, and trying to enjoy your last thirty minutes with your friends in between the two jobs your working or the billion college classes to have a little you time. I SEE YOU I know that you don't get the privilege of self care and that you've chosen to spend that time with the friends who you rarely see, and even more rarely see without having to bring your kid.

Don't worry twenty-something mom who brought her kid to the pool with her. I SEE YOU too, you'r there with the thirty something moms. Your hyper focused on your kid because its much easier to be focused on your kid than being the odd mom out. The thirty something moms, don't see you. I see the way you ache in jealousy of them as they talk about their husbands, and their mortgage payments, and compare their $600 strollers that neither will admit doesn't make their life better. I see the way you hurt as you wonder if having a child so young will have harmed him, as you wonder if you'll be able to give your child the life they deserve, because so much of yourself still has to focus on the little day to day. The thirty something moms talk around you, and your kid plays with their kids not knowing whats going on, the moms they assume your in the same boat as them.

To the twenty something mom who works on home work while her infant nurses, rather than read a book or watch netflix I SEE YOU. (It really is amazing how we figure out that our child will fit between us and lap top to write a paper and how long our arms really are)

To the twenty something single mom who gets dresses up for a date on a Friday night and has to battle with herself about if its worth it to give up the three hours with her kid for a chance at a "real family". I SEE YOU. I also see your toddler who sits at your sink and "helps" you get ready, the Thirty Something Moms toddlers are down stairs with Dad watching TV while their moms get ready.

To the twenty-something Mom who is the only parent at pre-school with one kid, I SEE YOU. I know that you made the decision to space your kids farther out so you could "get your life together" before having another. I SEE YOU, I AM YOU.

By the time I am a thirty something Mom, I will have a child turn 10 years old. My supposed decade will be up. Yes I will also be a thirty something Mom with a pre school aged child. Two sides of the same coin.

Here is what I will never know, I won't know whats its like to spend my twenty's saying "I'll never be that Mom". I'll never know what its like to be turning 21 inside a bar. I won't know what its like to take a vacation with my girl friends.There is a lot that I won't know about what its like to be twenty something and unattached.

Here is what I do know, my first child will finish high school before I am one of the Forty-Something moms.

Occasionally I am asked why my husband and I didn't wait to get pregnant. *pokes 26 week pregnant belly* and I am amused. I didn't get the luxury of getting know my husband outside of the context of school friend, and straight from there to "will he make a good father" I didn't get the luxury of dating a guy for 10 months before learning he didn't want kids. HE never got to know me outside of the context of me being Mom, even at school that doesn't go away. So I tell them, "We dont get to just get to know each other until all of our kids are grown and out the house." ... We then have to hope they don't come back like I did.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is parenting is hard! It doesn't only last a decade and if you are a thirty something mom who read that blog post and went oh good I get to have my life back soon, your wrong. Little Pajama will always be the most important thing I've ever done in my life, and the thought of that ending after a decade (or even two!) is absolutely heart breaking.

Let's all try and be a little more inclusive in our parenting. Twenty Something Moms I meet when I am a Thirty Something Mom, I promise to try and ask you how you are, I promise to never judge you or not understand what your going through. I promise to see you, and talk to you, because I know how isolated you are. You've got this. I promise and just remember, your kids will be out the house before the thrity something moms kids will be!

And here we go again!

Being a Mom is just about my favorite thing. I've mentioned before that out of all of the things in my life that I've contemplated doing, being a mom was never one I questioned. One way or another someday I was going to be a mom.
Just under 7 years ago (HAS IT SERIOUSLY BEEN THAT LONG SINCE I FOUND I WAS PREGNANT WITH LITTLE PAJAMA!?!) I unexpectedly found myself pregnant with little Pajama, at just barely 20, and still very much in school, and very much single I remember that positive pregnancy test probably more clearly than anything else. It was one of the most defining moments in my life, and as anyone who has ever had a positive pregnancy test that was taken weeks after your LMP you know how fast that second line shows up (REALLY FAST) there was no waiting, there was the result I was going to have a baby, I was going to be a mom. (Don't get me wrong I am very pro choice, but there was no contemplation there for me for any other choice.) There I was with the one thing at my young age I knew I had always wanted, but so was not where I wanted to be in my life. I cried, like a lot. (Thank goodness for awesome room mates). I knew in that moment I wouldn't ever put myself (or a child) in that position again.

In 2010 I welcomed little pajama into my life, and let everything change. I got a degree a few years later, and after the degree I got a boy friend. That boy friend became my fiance and then back in January of this year we got married. Guess what! Now I get to be a mom again! Everything is happy this time, and little pajama gets to be a big brother, and he is going to be totally awesome at it.

That being said I am at the tail of my first trimester. Nausea is mostly subsiding, and the fatigue is ebbing (for the most part - but lets face it I've been tired since that first pregnancy test; its part of parenthood!) I've thrown up less than I did in my first pregnancy but the nausea has been way way worse. I also have a job now. So that's totally different. Telling your boss, and co-workers your pregnant is way harder than I expected it to be (I still haven't told my workers honestly-- my boss who I'm closer with knows as well as HR but like it doesn't come up organically when you work with middle aged men it just doesn't.). I still have to figure out FMLA and how much I can actually afford to take, but that's another post ( a likely very ranty post).
I've also over all been far less emotional - honestly I think I'm to tired for it. There was admittedly one break down where I was upset with Daddy Pajamas and I melted into a puddle crying and screaming at him at the foot of our bed.. like onto the floor at the foot of our bed. I don't for the life of me remember what I was upset about (it was REALLY irrational) it passed quickly and all was forgiven.  But no tears over things like the Incredibles which turned me into a blubbering mess during my first pregnancy.

Some things that will definitely be different this time, I have a house I can actually put baby things in! I have a whole room I can put a baby in with its things! (Trust me I am fully aware though that despite the being growing inside of me will have its own bed I'm still going to co-sleep so maybe we will end up putting Daddy Pajamas in the baby's room instead! jk dear.. I think) This means lots of research, I have this whole compulsion to like "do things the right way this time" whatever that means.
I still have some of my loved products from the first time around, crib, awesome Eddie Bower high chair (my kitchen accidentally matches this high chair...or my tastes haven't changed much either way its cool!), and a nice jogging stroller plus a few other items. But this all also means I've done this rodeo and I've learned a lot in my 6+ years of parenting, but a lot has changed in whats available too.
At least I know more about what I want versus what an inexperienced parent may think they want (Me included!) I'm excited to have the chance to get to do things "the right way" this time.

Its going to be a fun ride, so we'll see now that its all public like, I can try and post more.

Slurpees can't fix everything, but they sure can help

Today sucked. I don't have a reason why, other than it just did. After a very busy summer, today I had very little to do. This made my day drag by. Plus my patience and focus in general is not top notch on Thursday's. Little Pajama has been excessively whinny after about a month of being really, pretty good other than whining when its really obvious whats up (tired, hungry etc).

Today sucked because of all those little things that are elusive. The things that are at the tip of your tounge and you can't quite get your brain to realize. We've been busy, like REALLY busy lately. On top of planning a wedding, and coaching soccer, and working full time, little Pajama started kindergarten, which is great, and he seems to be doing really there. We run into his friends at the grocery store, and he'd already been to a birthday party.

This meant you know, another change. An adjustment to routine and schedule which, honestly I'm starting to wonder who that throws off more, me or him. Then that routine sometimes gets in further changed, since he doesnt have before/after school care at the school yet he still spends time with his grandmother during this part of the day. Today that routine got changed the last minute and rather than them being at our home as I had planned, they were at Grandmas, which taking a 5 year old away from his grandparents house is like pulling gum off the bottom of the shoe, you try and try and eventually end up throwing the shoe in the freezer, or in my case making your kid cry.

I've been exhausted (more on this in a minute) combined with everything else this exhaustion just overwhelmed me, As he sat in the back seat crying his crocodile tears, I tried to explain why I was upset, and started crying myself. I asked him if a Slurpee would help knowing there was a 7 Eleven just up the street and he said yes. So I said fuck it and I got us Slurpee's and you know what, we both feel better because of it. It was nice to do something small and simple just us, to help boost both of our moods, and it cost less than 5 bucks. (We got sour straws sooo ya know)

As a mom I am of course not a stranger to exhaustion. But the last few weeks I realized I hadnt been taking my iron supplement for well.. probably more than a year. I have historically low iron, which can lead to serious exhaustion. Were trying to be healthy so there is also just not a lot of red meat in my diet. I realized I needed to start taking my supplement again. Self care is unfortunately one of those things that mom's forget so easily. I know that I do anyways. I dont take as much time to linger in a hot shower, sip a cup of tea or read my book as I should, or hey put my own silent rant out into the blog-overse to be heard (because lets face it, this is less blog and more continuous mom rant) Which ranting is healthy at least to me.

I know I have a lot more to say about all of this probably, but I am going to go stir some soup, and take another slurpee slurp instead of continuing my rambling. Thanks guys. I just had to put it out there.

Lies Whines and More Lies

Being a Mom is hard. I can not stress this enough. Nor can I stress how much I love it enough either. These things make it exhausting as all get out however as well. Its been a while since I posted, and it had been a while since the post before that one too...

So if you don't know, I'm not only being Mom, and a full time employee, I'm also planning a wedding now. None of these things are all that easy on their own let alone combined. Inbetween the bigger conundrums like "Do I want to have a different last name than my child?" (No.) There are slightly smaller conundrums likes "Does this wedding invitation come in silver?" (UGH to many options out there!) Needless to say I'm exhausted, so is Daddy Pajamas so is Little Pajamas.

On top of all that crazy we have kindergarten starting in about a month. HOLY CRAP HOW DID THAT HAPPEN??? I'm so excited for him, but I'm also terrified of the wrath of a child who goes to school 6 hours a day 5 days a week. He is cranky. Part of his cranky I know is absorbed from my cranky. (My middle name should seriously be Cranky Pants I don't know how they put up with me.) He also is probably slightly starved for attention right now, as many of my evenings are spent on Etsy looking at wedding stuff, or pintrest getting ideas. (Have you ever been caught in a pintrest vortex its intense!) Whining is at an all time maximum right now and Daddy Pajamas and I are getting really tired of it.

We will hit strides like yay he's not whining this week. Then the next week he's whining about something else. A lot of it I'm sure is him testing him limits starting to find out what we will, and will not let him get away with. It's exhausting, but we are handling the whining.

The last few weeks a new, rather unpleasant phase has popped up. One that was unexpected and I'm trying so hard to be patient and understanding but its lying. Every other thing he says is a lie, a blatant of course that's not true lie. We've explained lying and why this isn't ok, they've gotten minorly better since then, Were sticking with it and doing our best to stay calm make sure he understands that we know hes not being honest without making him be in trouble. "Its a phase Its a phase Its a phase" (Hopefully I will be able to retire this mantra someday!)
We do know that this is normal phase and that before know it like so many other phases it will pass. If you have any tips for dealing with it I'd be happy to have them,

Hopefully all of the behavior issues we've faced since January, will start to calm down once we get through the wedding. I'm trying and I know that's the important thing, and as long as I'm trying I guess I will just accept that I am going to exist on coffee for the next 6 months. I do love him and I know its not easy on him. I will continue to remind myself of this, but in the mean time if he ran out of tears, my feelings wouldn't be hurt.

Saturday Morning Muffins

Saturday's are supposed to be the best day of the week. Relaxing, no work and all of that jazz. It rarely works that way however. I signed up to coach little Pajamas soccer team this spring. Its been fun and its a good way of keeping me at least a little more active, and its always a good idea to be involved in our children s lives. This means putting in more time and more effort, but its been worth it so far. Its not a that much more of a time commitment as we would be at practices and games whether I was coaching or not.

We've been rather unlucky the last couple of weeks. (I like early games, the kids always have seemed more focus at that time of day than the afternoon games.) Our games have been really late in the afternoon the last few weeks and this week is afternoon but not quite so late so that's something at least. 

Its late enough though that I was a little more capable of seizing the morning with little pajama however. Which is so much more important now that Daddy Pajama and I are busy planning a wedding too, (more on those adventures to come!) The real point I was trying to make is the importance of seizing the little moments. In the years to come little pajama wont remember the morning we spent last week running errands before his game, but maybe just maybe he will remember in the years to come the morning we hunted down a recipe for raspberry muffins and he helped me measure and pour the ingredients into the bowl of the kitchen aid. Or he'll have a bite of a muffin with a lemon glaze like we put on these ones and remember that after insisting he wanted a sour glaze not creamy he made me get him a muffin that didn't have any on it. He's a goof like that, but then again I suppose most 5 year old's are. 

The muffins came out fluffy and tasty just a little bit tart. They were perfect, not because they actually are a perfect muffin but because I got to make a memory with my son, and there will never be enough moments like that. Seize them when they present themselves, because I know come Tuesday when I am trying to make dinner, fit in a work out and have been at work since 8 am, I will be glad I had a good time on Saturday morning, just being us. 

Heres a cute picture from a few weeks back when he helped me make dinner. He insisted he needed an apron as well. Too stinking cute!

Its a gorgeous Saturday, time to get a move on! 

The case for vaccination

If you're children are fully vaccinated to what is allowed for their age and level of health. Thank you, you are doing a good job. If you child is not, well THIS POST IS FOR YOU! Feel like a winner? You shouldn't. I'm about to tell what is what.

Measles, wow what a scary horrific illness that can affect so many people. Especially children, well infants. It shouldn't be affecting children, because they really should be vaccinated against this, and whole host of other really nasty shit. The easiest choice to ever make regarding my child, was to vaccinate him, this might have even have been easier than the choice to breastfeed. For me both were no brainers.

If you are not getting your child vaccinated here is why you suck. Disney Land! Happiest place on earth right? Yea its great, now imagine you have gone to Disney Land, where your in close proximity to people, people from all over the world. Measles cases in America were basically non existent. Not any more. I saw headline today about more out breaks being reported in Illinois. I will not lie, I did not read the article. My blood was to boiled to read the article.

Have you seen the new story about the little boy in Marin County California who has been battling Lukemia, guess what, his immune system inst strong enough so he hasn't been able to get vaccinated yet, he is at a HUGE risk. Guess who else is at a huge risk? Every baby under the age of 18 months (I believe is when children get their first dose of the measles vaccination. These children who can not be vaccinated, largely rely on HERD IMMUNITY, these children who cant be vaccinated rely on children and parents who can vaccinate their children to do so. Guess what if you haven't vaccinated your child, and you hear about a kid near by who got an illness they shouldn't have to deal with, you are guilty.

If you do not vaccinate your children, you are selfish. Horribly terribly selfish. I minor irritation, or a few hours of flu like symptoms are COMPLETELY worth the knowledge that your child is protected against horrors FAR worse than those. Guess what vaccinations don't cause autism. The doctor who made up those lies has severely harmed the children in this country along with Jenny McCarthy and her spewing lies. (On a side note I can understand a parent wanting to blame something medical for thier child having to have a harder life, but a vaccination is NOT what caused this!) America has disappointed me once again. Are we so caught up in following other people that we don't listen to the health professionals we trust with the health of our children. BY all means if your child's doctor has real concerns and reasons about why your child should not be vaccinated, then you should not vaccinate your children.

Did you know that before the small pox vaccination was created there were mothers, so terrified of their children getting sick and dying they got themselves sick to be able to pass along lesser strains to their children in hopes of being able to protect them? Can you imagine? I am so grateful for those mothers, and I would never want to disappoint a mom who clearly understood what needed to be done enough to risk her own life by not using the modern medicine.

If you want more info on the subject, I highly recommend listening to the Sawbones episode about vaccinations. http://maximumfun.org/shows/sawbones?page=2
Then go find the one they did recently about Measles as well.


Here's another thing, starting at age 13 you can now for the very first time, protect your children from some types of cancer. Its only three shots and could save their lives. How cool is that??

And Happy New Year!

I started to write a post earlier this year, a few weeks ago to be exact. I've told myself day after day to go back and finish that post. The time has simply passed; that post would now register highly on the irrelevant side.

But before we find ourselves a midst the second month of 2015 I will take a few minutes to say Happy New Year! To say that the last few months have been busy would be a little bit of an understatement. And while January has calmed considerably, my energy has still been getting replenished.

I don't necessarily have a lot to talk about in this particular post, so I'll apologize right now for the high chance of rambly-good-ness.

To begin a bit of reflection on last year. It was a big year! With a lot of changes. Little PJ turned four, approved of a Daddy, and we all moved into together. He lost his Mom for 42.5 hours a week to the work force. He's had to adjust to so much, and I couldn't be prouder of him. Honestly I'm proud of all of us, however I miss him, and quite frankly I miss working from home, in my jammies. I am however quite fond of getting the bills paid. And work really isnt all that bad. I got a new job, Daddy Pajamas got a new job. All of that is what has made all of this possible for our little PJ. A home together. It hasn't all been easy but we're mostly doing really well.

With all of the big things that occurred last year, its strange to think of all of the things that will be changing this year. PJ will be turning 5! 5! September means he will be starting kindergarten. We are going to yellow stone in August, and in just a mere 3 weeks. I will be taking my first full week off of work. Its pretty crazy to see how the changes that have occurred previously all lead to the changes and the good things that could be coming in this year. There is likely some other pretty big pretty serious changes that will be coming, but I'll keep those myself until they are set in stone.

This year is going to be a good year, and I am so excited to see the changes that are made and embrace them and face them with the understanding that nearly everything that is challenging comes out better in the end. I'm impatient about the things I am uncertain about, but at the same time patient knowing that the more I rush into adulthood and further responsibility the tougher things will be.
However patience is difficult. This is the issue with the phenomenon known as the quarter life crisis. I have this incesint need to feel as though my life is moving forward. I know I'm not alone in this but when things "stand still" for too long, I become apprehensive always waiting for the other shoe to drop. There must always be big new exciting thing on the horizon something to look forward to and hope the world is continuing to move forward. There is a lot of good coming this year, but none of it is big in a life changing way. I suppose for now I will just have to be patient, and wait. Life will continue to move forward even if it is mostly only in small ways.

Leaving the Situation

November SUCKS. There I said it. Maybe I'm the only one thinking it. Seriously though even without all the pressures that I have had this month, I'm pretty sure I would come to that same conclusion. Its that time between Halloween and Christmas. And getting ready for Thanksgiving which in some circles is a bigger deal than Christmas.
So here's a moments for something I am thankful for: I am thankful for being a Mom. I am thankful for my son.
I can be thankful for my son and still want to scream at him. This coexisting of conflicting emotions always ends badly. Having a pre school aged child is hard. Having a preschool aged child, with all of the financial responsibility, with all of dropping off responsibility, with all of the reading and snuggling and being calm and nurturing every moment as a single mom is, extra hard.
Yes he has a "Daddy" now but its not the full fledged responsibility yet.
Today had just been one of those days. Its Wednesday night, I came home, I excersized still had no idea what to cook for dinner, no money to really eat out as I have two checks out right now I am still waiting to go through and hoping maybe just maybe my pay check will hit my account first.
This is the struggle of almost every parent. Everything piles up. IT SUCKS. When all of this piles we snap. ... Well if you don't snap, your a saint in my book and I'd love to hear your tricks, because tonight, my tricks just aren't helping. They literally are not working. So I left the situation. I left because I am tired, and I am exasperated, and I just wanted to eat my damn dinner without listening to tears and the bitching of my 4 year old. I know a harsh word for a child's whine, but I'm being frank, and sometimes his whines just get to that point.
My exasperation climbed to the level of intolerance tonight, and so I decided to leave the situation before I really said, or did something I would regret.
One of the best things about children is that he wont remember this in a few weeks, and yet whenever I have a night like this I worry, I worry about how badly I am fucking up my kid. I worry that by yelling at him over something as stupid as orange chicken I am going to emotionally scar him for life. Someday this will come back and bite me in the butt. I mean how could it not? I also try to remind myself that I am human, and sometimes we all snap, and yelling at him is in the long run not as bad as what some parents do, and its always followed by a hug and an apology to him from me after I have had sometime to calm down and realize, but it still makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Like there is something broken inside of me.

I am a Mom, I am not perfect. It is okay to mess up, but I'm glad that tonight I left the situation. Sure maybe it was after little yelling, but I removed myself before it got way way worse. I love him, I suppose I should go remind him of that, and give him a snuggle.

Thanks for reading my rant.

"Mom I don't like anything you cook."

Kids can be total jerks. Don't get me wrong, little pajama is my main squeeze, but man does he ever drive me crazy. I mean this is normal he's 4.. right this is normal?
The thing is for last 6... 8 I don't even know how many weeks its been and him on Sundays. Which is great I love to have my Mommy and PJ time. Its also really hard. We have a third person living with us now, little pajamas soccer games were so expertly times that nothing was getting done around the house on Saturday's. Which hello you have Sunday and evenings to clean your house just relax on Saturday. Which is unfortumately what was happening, that and life is BUSY. I never realized how busy little lives are until I had my little PJ even from an early age. And of course it means that we get to spend time doing all of the wonderful things from my childhood that I love and miss. Pumpkin patch of course! (Good bye entire last Sunday (guess whose house didn't get cleaned!)) Weddings to go to. Life to live you know.

Thats the thing though through all that life that was being done living, I had managed to get a nice home cooked meal on my table for my family, every Sunday night. Now I'm not religious, so Sunday has nothing to do with that, but there's something cathartic about spending a few hours putting in real effort to make your family a nice meal. Better than the weeknight meals that get sloppily thrown together, but are still none the less home made if not to a lesser degree.

Little PJ is SMALL. He is almost 5 and I think he clocks in around 34lbs right now, hes all muscle and bone. He's healthy but after nearly 12 months of nutritionist visits and monthly weigh ins when he was younger it is ingrained my brain that is (almost) never a bad thing if this kid is recieving calories. And striving to be a good mother means I want to feed that kid, I want him to grow and catch up and be where he needs to be. Its not always as simple as all of that, (This largely played into why PJ was breast fed until he was 2.5 but that's another topic.) I learned how to calorie load my child and make sure that he gets the nutrition he needs. lots of dairy and as much protein as I can get in him. (I know my kid is not the only nearly vegetarian child out there. Kids don't like to eat meat because it is so hard to chew. yada yada yada pediatric nutritionist wisdom. this was how I originally learned to not beat myself up over it when he doesnt eat every single thing I cook.

Last nights Sunday night dinner took a turn for the miserable.  It was simple, I had made chicken on saturday inbetween my much needed neglected cleaning from the previous week. I made chicken stock and picked the bones, and made gravy all for the sake of Sunday night dinner. Chicken and dumplings. They were delicious. Can you think of a more kid friendly meal? He loves my chicken (usually) and it was delicious and flavorful soup. The dumplings were fluffy and soft and just the right amount of doughy. Honestly its a faily simple not surprising meal.

He said my dumplings looked like poop. And he said he no longer likes my cooking. It was worse than getting shot in the heart. We had guests. I lost it a reasonable amount but my anger was nothing compared to how heart broken it made me. (Which is probably somewhat guilty for the night that followed after he went to bed, Hello mommy's little helper #OneBadMother ).

Yet like the never giving up Mom that I am on a quest to have a healthy kid, who is open to eating things, I made dinner again tonight. Monday, it was boring and he ate some of it. Its frusterating. I guess the difference lies somewhere in this... When I cook a meal I dont expect him to like my feelings arent hurt. So why do I let myself get so badly bummed over a meal he should like but then doesnt eat.

Just for the record, I did make him Annie's microwave mac and cheese last night so he didnt starve (Thanks Annies) but it hurt no less. This is really just more thing on the pile. Moms out there, your doing a good job, if you know a Mom, make sure she knows it. If you know a parent make sure they know they are doing a good job. Were all trying, and when it really comes down to it all we really need is a little outside confirmation that people see that we are trying, that our efforts are recognized, that it isnt all for nothing.

And, now I need to go roll out green cookie dough so that tomorrow we can decorate zombie cookies. This is life, he is four, I do not blame him, but it makes it no less difficult sometimes.

So to myself I silently remind myself, that I am doing a good job. And if I'm not every given second, that is okay, because the fact that I am trying, and doing my best, means, I am doing a good job.

Summer What's That? And Moving With a Four Year Old??

This is the first summer in a long time where I have an actual schedule I can't manipulate around home work schedules and my own desires. Being a working Mom isn't easy. Its easier than being a broke Mom, but its been particularly hard since Little Pajama has been out of the preschool for the summer. Not only has he been out of school but our weekend's have been chalk full of things we've had to do.

This is mostly why I haven't had a chance to chronicle the misadventures of Little Pajama and I lately. I've been busy and exhausted. No more are summers left to the whims of a bicycle and whatever adventure I want to take. Every time I whine just a little everyone likes to warn me I likely wont have another completely free weekend until I am old and decrepit. I guess I will start having to say "no". This is one of those words that we forget is important. Sometimes you just need to say hey world, no I'm not going to put on real pants this weekend, no I am not going to put on a bra. Also if I dont feel like brushing my hair, guess what I'm not going to!

Unfortunately though there is SO much that I need to get done. There have been some pretty major highlights to this summer so here are a few.

• The bf and I celebrated our one year! It's fantastic and we couldn't be happier. 
• Little Pajama has started with the "D" word. My man is officially known as Daddy, and I couldnt be happier about it. Sure it scares me a bit but I am happy that they came to this place mostly on their own. They are pretty much the cutest boys in the world so I'm glad they get to be adorable together. 
• WE MOVED! The man and little pajama and I now are renting our very own 3 bedroom dwelling. Little man has his own bathroom, and bed room. We have an office/ guest room. 

This is probably the biggest and most exciting thing to have come from this summer. Its a big step for us, but its wonderful and we are so excited to get to start this next chapter. There are a few different things I'd like to do to make sure I am raising a happy healthy little pajama and I am hoping that this is the best time to start enacting some of these stratgies. Stay tuned to see what works and doesnt work for us as I am sure there will be hilarity to ensue. Maybe also some great things that workd for us and some fails that didnt work so well... After all part of being a mom is getting to share your triumphs and having an ability to laugh at your failures is a good thing that works too. 

One of the most important steps we took in this move was making sure Little Pajama had some say in things. We let him pick the paint color for his accent wall (sort of he insisted on dark blue, so I had to put my foot down.) I started him a donate bin (which we will hopefully be able to take at least part of to a womans shelter.) He was horribly unwilling to put anything in the donate bin at the begining but by the end he started to realize that these toys were going to go to kids that would hopefully actually appreciate them. Toys he wanted to keep go placed inside of boxes for the new place. 

Another thing that helped was that he got to go out of town with his grandparents during moving day, and then again for most of the unpacking (HELLO SUMMER!) Were all still unpacking some of the smaller stuff, but were also still adjusting. Over all though he seems excited about the new place, and that's whats important to me. In fact we have some unpacking of his toys to do today because I felt it important for him to get to unpack what he originally packed. 

I guess I better get to work. Hopefully I'll have another update up soon. 

Oh the Humanity

I mostly steer clear of hot button political issues. They aren't my thing, not for here anyways. This one I cant avoid, as a parent the emotions incidents of violence among youth have a greater effect on us. For some reason though my brain isn't going to be quiet until I get out my thoughts about this one. 

There was another school shooting today. About 20 mi from my home. I know people who live in the area, and knew people who went to that high school while I was in high school myself. This has little to do with the school or the timing, other than that these instances of school shootings, which many people describe as "sense less acts of violence" seem to be increasing. Its only been about 18 months since the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. Which I remember like yesterday, and there have been 74 shootings recorded in the United States. Clearly this is an issue. It is not something that as a parent I can ignore. My son goes to school with small children and maybe a total of 90 kids there at any given time between the ages of 3-5. The risk factor with his school is low, but I am about 18 months out from him hitting kindergarten and that scares the crap out of me. 

I never thought I would say this but if putting him a private school would gurantee he graduates from high school without a terrible act such as one of these occurring in his school, then it would be worth it. The scary thing is, it wouldn't be enough. We are less than a week out from the shooting at Seattle Pacific University as well. I am sad for everyone affected by all of the school shootings in history. The truth is though, we can't protect our children from this kind of violence. I know how hopeless that statement may seem to you, but I want to assure you, I do not mean it to be. 

I think the hope has to lie in that we have some control over our children, and what they have access to, but more importantly how they interpurt the world around them and interact with it. I do not want little Pajama living in fear because I placed him in a box. I do not want to deny him video games (he plays age appropriate ones), or any of the other things that some theorize may turn him violent. We NEED to teach our children COMPASSION, we need to teach them MORALS, we need to LISTEN to them even when they ARE NOT TALKING. We need to advocate for our kids, and teach them to be THEIR OWN BIGGEST ADVOCATE.  Just yesterday I put the little Pajama into time out because he was trying to kick the ball out of the dogs mouth. He genuinely didn't realize he could hurt the dog, and I watched him as he realized he could have, and I think he learned his lesson. That was the point, to teach him that the behavior was unacceptable and that it is not okay to cause harm to others. Shielding our children wont solve the problem. Talking to our children about gun safety can help, but even more helpful, we need to LOCK up our guns and not give children access to them without proper supervision for the right kinds of activities. I don not want Americans to lose their right to bear arms. I do want there to be stricter more stringent tests a person must pass to have the right to do so, if this stopped the deaths of children who had their entire lives ahead of them, then wouldn't it be worth it? Maybe I have to much faith in humanity, but conservatives and their attachments to their guns to protect themselves is not something I personally understand. Being able to protect yourself is one thing, but even better would be avoiding situations in which you feel you need to protect yourself.

Another thing I only just recently realized is that these shooters apparently often do this to find fame. To be remembered, how does that get skewed that badly in their minds. I am not sure how the media can solve this problem, but maybe some different tactics are in order. 

I'm confused as many others are. I'm sad like many others. And I am SCARED. Like many others, but I will wake up tomorrow and continue to the best I can to assure the world that I will not raise the sort of person who could ever commit an act like this. How? I'll make it up as I go along, but it will mostly involve me being there for them, teaching them whats right from wrong, and how to stand up for themselves. I will try and lift my children up above any negativity they may get from peers. I seize TEACHABLE moments. I will do all of this doing the one thing above all else may help, I will do it with LOVE. There just simply isnt enough of it in the world, and I will try and teach my children to put love out into the world. 

Now for a story about little Pajama. The evening that Sandy Hook happend I sat on the couch, and the news was on and I cried, quiet tears that steamed down my face without drawing attention. Pajama was only two at the time and he of course noticed. He reached his hand up to my tears on my cheek and looked horribly concerned. He had barely begun to talk in sentences. "Mama whats wrong?" He asked I could head the dread in his voice. I told him the best I could that a bad man had hurt many children, and I was very sad for the children and their families. I would like to think I taught him in that moment, rather than shielded him from the cruelty of the world. 

I dont know. I am sad, its late. Were all confused and I hope that this issue slows, no more school shootings. 

The Big Adjustment

Well this one has been coming. And is a good 3 weeks over due. I apologize it really has been an adjustment for everyone.

Recently (the last day of March) I got to make a big change in not only my life, but for the wearer of little pajamas as well (lately its been little bat man pajamas). After searching for close to a year for full time employment, I finally got a job. The awesome adult kind with regualr hours, a 401k and benefits. I suppose many Mom's have these things long before becoming a Mom, and many leave them behind to be a Mom. I applaud those women, also where does your husband work and will they hire mine (well okay so he's not my husband)?

I got to enjoy 4 years of most of my days being with him. I went to school for about 3.5 of those years, and I got to do some contract work from home, but it wasn't paying the bills. I've been pretty anxious to establish financial stability for me and the little man since day one, but I knew it was only ever going to be possible with a degree. I sacrificed the degree I wanted for the degree that made sense. The one that allowed me to move home, for us to have the support and shelter of his grandparents, and even more importantly that I would finish quickly and become employable. Don't get me wrong I think about going back, but after 6 years of higher education that only accumulated into a AAS and a certificate, I'm a bit burnt out. Not to mention the loans.

Ahh the bills, as far as adjustments go that one has been easy to make. Money is going into his college fund, paying off my loans, and being spent on fun things left and right, all while still managing to save up to be able to move out. Me and my boys! I really am impatient and terrified by the prospect, but I know its exciting. I know little pajama is too. (Were still warming up to the D word, but its been uttered a few times.)

The adjustment from essentially being a student mom to a work from home mom was fantastic. While being a student he did go to day care, which I dont regret, and I expect any future children will go a few days a week as well. The real point is I use to get to be home with him MOST of the time. Now for 45 hours a week plus commute time I am not with him, and leaves us little weekday time for all the things we love to do.

I miss him and I am missing out on a lot, but the fact remains, there is a huge stress taken out of my life by having a good stable, living wage income. I am lucky enough to work for a big, yet very family oriented company, and a small department within it so I am able to run off for long lunches for Pre school functions and things of that nature when the occasion arises. Over all though I am on the cusp of thriving as a well adjusted, fairly successful young adult and single Mom. Mind you this is largely my perception of the situation versus what my own situation was, but I am proud of where I have gotten and I know its the best thing for me and the little man even if it means less time for us.

Its been harder on him. Schedules are different, he gets drug around more by grandma and grandpa. He is picked up and dropped off now by Grandma at preschool. I miss knowing whats going on, but he does like to tell me. He rarely naps now, I miss napping with him, in our chair. The most relaxing thing in the world is to have a sleeping child curled in your lap. (Its also a good excuse to take a nap your self or read a book).

I guess most importantly though the real point is we are adjusting. Mommy is a bit more tired, and cranky, but he wakes up shortly after me most mornings. I hear him sit at the top of the stairs babbling to the cat until I open the door and take him back down stairs. This means he gets to watch Curious George on a regular basis (This wasn't a part of the morning line up previously because it was ending as we got down stairs.) Despite me being uttlerly exhausted (Its gotten a little better) were doing okay. I miss the time with him, but luckily he is getting to spend this time with his Granparents before we move out.

The part of my day though usually goes like this as I get home "So, how was work?" his sweet little voice meets my ears, and I tell him about what I did, and ask about pre school. I' mfinding that this adjustment like with many others is all about finding a balance, and making sure the time we do get to spend together is of the best quality. I know were both still getting use to things, but we've both come a long way in the last two months, and I know things will get even better. I am lucky to have such a well adjusted kid, who can handle change even better than I give him credit for

This gem is from Memorial day, making the best out of our three day weekend, even though we were stuck in the car part of the afternoon. Sometime I will have to write about Tiger. Yes that's its name. 

Muddling Through Whats Best for the Kid

I think one of the universal truths for all parents is that we want to do the very best thing for our children. I think even the parents who don't seem to care they at least WANT to do the best thing.
I hate this term, and I hate that I adhere to it completely by nature, but I am going to out myself. I largely adhere to attachment parenting. This meant that my little PJ slept with me nightly for three years of his life, and still comes into my bed most nights, and he nursed until he was 2 and half, now that puts many parents to shame, but it also isn't nearly as long as some mothers choose to nurse. If your going to judge me or anyone for that, JUST DON'T IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. We are all just trying to do the best we can though


...Well sigh, I got distracted while writing that. And now that its a week later, I will get to the point, and refocus this post. (me focus HAHAHA)
Last Friday, my little man had to get some dental work done. He has soft enamel. On top of that my allowing him to breast feed for a somewhat extended period of time didn't help. I brushed his teeth (most of the time) but he had to have something fixed on each of his teeth. The good news is that the work done ended up being much less serious than they have anticipated. It was still time consuming and they put him under general anesthesia for the procedure.

It was by far the scariest decision I have had to make for him. It took a lot of weighing logic versus comfort versus common sense. I ultimately decided it wouldn't be worth it to make him go in for 6 different visits, and likely ruining his enjoyment of going to the dentist in the process. We had to do the continual visits to the doctors for nearly a year while he was diagnosed failure to thrive. It wasnt easy, by the time we were done with that he hated the scale. He's much better about it now two years later (also two years without monthly visits to the doctors for weigh ins).

I think as a parent one of the hardest things is trusting your intuition. My little PJ was absolutely fine, and I am ultimately pleased with the decision I made, but I did my research and made sure I trusted the doctors who were involved. I was lucky to have people who supported my decision and tried to support me. Thats whats the most important, there is so much internal second guessing that happens with me (and I would imagine most parents) when it comes to the health of our children so anyone who makes that more difficult (who has very little actual regard for the child) should be banned from life. Judging people for the tough decisions they make will never make them feel better. Ultimately you have to follow your gut and hope that the path is clear.

In other news BRUSH YOUR KIDS TEETH AND TAKE THEM TO THE DENTIST!!! Man its expensive to not.... I know theres a straw in the way (for chocolate milk) but they are so much smoother now that they dont have patches of enamel missing. He did so well and I am so proud of him!

The Unlisted Public Play Rules for the Big People

Sorry this post is going up so late in the week. The last few weeks have been complete chaos. I finally started my new job, and there will be a blog post about my adjustment to a 8-5 from working at home soon. I feel it was too early for that as I don't really know for sure how either of us is adjusting yet, other than that I am dead tired. I've racked my brain all week trying to figure out what I felt the need to discuss when inspiration came this evening.

It was not a normal Thursday. I worked all day, and then rushed home so I could accompany my little P to soccer practice. Which was typical, but due to the weather we kept it short as it was drizzly rainy and in general a little cold this week. My sister and her husband bought all of us dinner though, at a pretty cool, but sadly very busy kid friendly pub. Over all my experience was good. Little PJ had a great time.

I however cant seem to relax. In their kids play space in a few different corners of different dining areas they have toys, most of which are perfect for a preschool or early elementary age child. There are rules posted near by. I made sure Powell followed them, as his Mom that's just one of the many ways I can protect him. Follow the rules, stay safe be kind and courteous. The issue wasn't with the rules, they were there to keep everyone safe, probably including the waiters. Two rules really, don't climb and walk. I suppose there were probably others but those seemed to be the issue. Unfortunately for us, it happened to be a night that a local lacrosse club must have decided they all needed to be there. Everyone other than us seemed to know everyone else. Of course all these kids seemed way ages out of the preschool aged toys my, huh 4 year old was playing with. I believe I saw board games and other things in the lobby that could be brought to tables for older children. As the group of loud and very large children congregated where my son was playing, I of course kept my distance, but kept a watchful eye. I had to, because if one of those kids had tried even once to tease my child, or for a second I thought he was in danger it was time to put a stop to it.

As the group of children grew, so did the loud group of parents who managed to be conveniently located in-between me and where my child was playing. I managed to maintain my line of sight however and just ignored it. After a bit of the big kids running from play place to play place the waitress told them to stop running, twice. Not even ONE of their parents spoke up, where they all just that out of tune? Will someday feel like I can check out that much while my kid plays with his friends. I hope the answer is no. If for no other reason than its highly disrespectful to the people who have to keep telling your child to stop, not to mention to the other parents who are around who don't necessarily feel safe while our child is near your unruly child. I guess the fact that they were having a beer is not a good enough excuse to me for these parents to check out, neither is not wanting to embarrass their children in front of their peers. I discussed this with my parents while we sat at the table. One father, rather than scolding his child when the WAITRESS told the big kids they needed to stop climbing, when he heard us complaining about it turned to me, a tiny little 24 year old single mom and goes "Is there a problem?" He was the big A type personality father and I felt intimidated so all I said was "No" and shook my head innocently. (I then went and pulled the plug on Powell playing in that area because I was feeling increasingly less comfortable with him playing over there, they were rocking one of the fisher price kitchens, and climbing on walls, if the kitchen hadn't fallen on Powell he was likely to get a shoe to the face so I pulled the plug) Inside my head while telling this father there wasn't a problem I was actually screaming "Yes I don't feel like my small child is safe because no one is making those children follow the rules, and I really don't need a rendition of Lord of the Flies to play out in this pub while I watch!"... Sigh NEXT TIME I will say something like that. Also why can't kids just naturally read the rules posted on the wall and follow them?  I suppose because their parents never taught them too. Rules are there for a reason.

A Pre-Schooler's Drama

          Pre school. My little man has never been so proud of anything as he is about the fact that he goes to school. P loves to tell people about his school, and his blue back pack it has a monster on it. When you're 3 and 4, school is awesome. Of course he starts at 8:30 and only goes until 11:15. So three hours, 3 days a week. Little does he know they will only add the hours up over the years, but then maybe in college he can get a sweet schedule like that again. I don't remember much from pre-school. I remember laughter fun, recess, and the loft full of stuffed animals that was in the classroom. I've always tried to avoid drama, I suppose.
          P however is very dramatic and very serious. I'm sure I will post about what he is like while playing soccer soon, as soccer season just started again. His preschool operates with a drive thru system. It's pretty sweet, and I love it, so I pick him up, get a quick ear full from the teacher about the day and we head out on our way. I try to get some info from him about the day on the way home. we talk about snack, recess, and his friends during this time. It surprises me how little he wants to talk about the things he learned that day at school, or his friends. We always start with snack. At the beginning of 2014 on one such pick up his teacher informed me that he had become pretty close with a little girl. Each month at sing they sit next to each other as the class performs for their parents. Its quite cute. Earlier this month his little lady went on vacation, he asked if she would be back everyday I brought him until she was. At the end of the week she was back we had this conversation on the way to the boyfriends.
P: I really miss (little girl). *insert dramatic 4 year old sniffle here.*
Me: Well isn't she back from vacation you got to play with her just this morning right?
P: Yes, but I love her.
Me: Well don't you love me too, you get to spend the weekend with Mommy. (I walked right into the trap)
P: No, I only love her.

It pierced my heart and I couldn't help but envision the never ending amount of romantic doom, and broken hearts that will someday befall my sweet little, love sick man. It must be hard to be little. I mean there is SO much he has to learn about life, and love. Friends and enemies. There is only so much you can teach a child. As it turned out though maybe this little girl isn't quite the threat to my position as his main gal.

The following week at the end of the week I picked him up from school. The conversation went as such on the short drive home.
Me: Did you play with ___ today?
P: No we are not friends any more.
Me: Did you choose that? Are you sure you don't want to be friends with her anymore?
P: She was playing with someone else.
Me: Did you ask her to play with you today?
P: She didn't want to.

As it turns out they did play again, but I don't know where his heart lies. He talks about her less, she plays with the girls more, and he seems to be making a few new friends. I sing him the friendship song, but I doubt it makes much sense. I use to sing it in girl scouts but I'm not sure it made a lot of sense to me until I was older, and began to cultivating friendships, and realized that some while existent slip to the back burner. I just hope I can teach him to be patient with people, and that while one of his friends doesn't want to play with him one day, doesn't mean they don't want to on another day. I also hope he grows up more fearless than I was in my school age. Making friends was always hard, the simple going up to a classmate and asking if they wanted to play was never easy for me. I hope it is for him. I also hope he realizes he has enough capacity to love so that he cultivates more meaningful friendships through his life. Those are all lessons that he cant learn from school I guess. Just age an experience.

In other news, and another topic that is soon to come I am sure. I am about to be making the switch from mostly at home mom, to working mom. The transition has me feeling pretty nervous I know we will be okay though.

In other news and to come, are pictures of my little mans redone room which is nearly done. Some food for thought, Why can't picture books have thick enough spines in paperback version to be able to read the spine on a shelf. It is so frustrating!

The Only Parent Conundrum

          I decided that rather than sharing adorable stories from the little one and I's week, it might be a good idea to delve into well, what my parenting situation actually is. People don't seem to actually understand, and it has lead to some awkward conversations. It is not uncommon for these conversations to occur with strangers, which honestly might make them all that much more strange (the conversations that is).
          One of the best parts about meeting new people is that fantastic point in conversation when they decide its okay to get all up in my business about my kiddos dad. I will sum up this conversation for you, usually they will say something about his dad, which leads to me awkwardly shuffling my feet, and launching into a near immediate explanation. "Oh well his dad isn't involved in our lives" has become the clipped short and to the point explanation I now offer strangers who comment on how his dad must be a blonde, or make other assumptions. It happens often enough though that I get to give this explanation instead. "Well his dad isn't involved in our lives, and for all intensive purposes he doesn't actually know about him, so I am not a single parent, I actually consider myself an only parent." This is usually followed by some sort of concern on their part, or scorn as they judge whether or not I am a horrible person. I then usually get to tell them something along the lines of the abridged history of my relationship with his father and why it lead to me making the decision to not involve him for the sake of everyone (including his own).
         It bothers me that I continually have to explain this. It's beginning to stop now that I have the boy friend. In fact we had the kiddo with us on a beach trip a few weekends ago and I completely allowed the lady at the ice cream counter to be mistaken about him being both my husband and the kiddos father. I know it seems like such a silly thing, but it also may have been the beginning of letting go of a small piece of what has been a core part of my identity the last 4 years. While people often seem to want me to be ashamed of the choices I made concerning my son and the fact that I haven't involved his father in our lives, I am PROUD of that choice, and I have never regretted it. I think many more young single mothers would be much better off if they had the strength to make the choice. For me the choice was pretty easy, his father and I ended up on opposite coasts before I even knew I was pregnant. There were a plethora of other factors as well, but for the intensive purposes of privacy and not completely boring you, I won't elaborate on that story any more. However if you ever want to ask me about it, I prefer to talk about it over a nice cold beer.
          I started to talk about how being this only parent has become a part of my identity, I know our kids become a part of our identity no matter the situation. It's a strange sensation when that piece of your identity and how you identify your family starts to change. For a previously married couple I'd imagine that would come with a divorce. Or a single parent who like me is starting a journey with someone and welcoming them into life bit by bit. I am lucky in that this progression has been so natural. My son has never not adored my boyfriend (Okay in all fairness he knew from the get go that he worked at the zoo, so that gave him major points even before he was the guy hanging around with mom a lot.) the natural way he has always liked my boyfriend helped me to make sure I knew this guy I've been seeing for over half a year now was really worth it. This half a year and growing into our roles and a different sort of family identity have been amazing, but I do find I spend time mourning things I never really noticed, or before were always just a silly preference that made sense. (My son completely clings to his Auntie, I am pretty sure if she could she'd give him a mountain of vanilla ice cream and a new puppy every time she saw him so I can't blame him one bit.) It's different though when it is someone I am essentially saying here, this has been a part of my identity since I brought this child into the world and I'm giving up this piece of me for the sake of growing our family. My heart melted a bit the first time he said that he loved him to me, and even more the first time he said he was beginning to really feel like a Dad. I wasn't on that page yet (sorry honey but I wasn't but I loved it a lot) I'm catching up and its more of a tug of war than I realized it would be. I'm beginning to not feel like a single mom.
          I am beginning to not feel like a single mom. I had to say it again because that's how much it freaks me out. The loss of self, and the giving up of control in an entirely different sort of way. It's entirely different to fall in love with someone when you have a child, there is so much guarding of hearts that has to happen. It actually feels pretty good to be able to relax a bit, and welcome the help, and emotional support. I know he's not there yet completely but he's getting there. The three of us are coming together and were figuring it out, and its beautiful and as I figure out my feelings its been a bit (well okay a lot) messy, but that's life and I wouldn't have it any other way.