And here we go again!

Being a Mom is just about my favorite thing. I've mentioned before that out of all of the things in my life that I've contemplated doing, being a mom was never one I questioned. One way or another someday I was going to be a mom.
Just under 7 years ago (HAS IT SERIOUSLY BEEN THAT LONG SINCE I FOUND I WAS PREGNANT WITH LITTLE PAJAMA!?!) I unexpectedly found myself pregnant with little Pajama, at just barely 20, and still very much in school, and very much single I remember that positive pregnancy test probably more clearly than anything else. It was one of the most defining moments in my life, and as anyone who has ever had a positive pregnancy test that was taken weeks after your LMP you know how fast that second line shows up (REALLY FAST) there was no waiting, there was the result I was going to have a baby, I was going to be a mom. (Don't get me wrong I am very pro choice, but there was no contemplation there for me for any other choice.) There I was with the one thing at my young age I knew I had always wanted, but so was not where I wanted to be in my life. I cried, like a lot. (Thank goodness for awesome room mates). I knew in that moment I wouldn't ever put myself (or a child) in that position again.

In 2010 I welcomed little pajama into my life, and let everything change. I got a degree a few years later, and after the degree I got a boy friend. That boy friend became my fiance and then back in January of this year we got married. Guess what! Now I get to be a mom again! Everything is happy this time, and little pajama gets to be a big brother, and he is going to be totally awesome at it.

That being said I am at the tail of my first trimester. Nausea is mostly subsiding, and the fatigue is ebbing (for the most part - but lets face it I've been tired since that first pregnancy test; its part of parenthood!) I've thrown up less than I did in my first pregnancy but the nausea has been way way worse. I also have a job now. So that's totally different. Telling your boss, and co-workers your pregnant is way harder than I expected it to be (I still haven't told my workers honestly-- my boss who I'm closer with knows as well as HR but like it doesn't come up organically when you work with middle aged men it just doesn't.). I still have to figure out FMLA and how much I can actually afford to take, but that's another post ( a likely very ranty post).
I've also over all been far less emotional - honestly I think I'm to tired for it. There was admittedly one break down where I was upset with Daddy Pajamas and I melted into a puddle crying and screaming at him at the foot of our bed.. like onto the floor at the foot of our bed. I don't for the life of me remember what I was upset about (it was REALLY irrational) it passed quickly and all was forgiven.  But no tears over things like the Incredibles which turned me into a blubbering mess during my first pregnancy.

Some things that will definitely be different this time, I have a house I can actually put baby things in! I have a whole room I can put a baby in with its things! (Trust me I am fully aware though that despite the being growing inside of me will have its own bed I'm still going to co-sleep so maybe we will end up putting Daddy Pajamas in the baby's room instead! jk dear.. I think) This means lots of research, I have this whole compulsion to like "do things the right way this time" whatever that means.
I still have some of my loved products from the first time around, crib, awesome Eddie Bower high chair (my kitchen accidentally matches this high chair...or my tastes haven't changed much either way its cool!), and a nice jogging stroller plus a few other items. But this all also means I've done this rodeo and I've learned a lot in my 6+ years of parenting, but a lot has changed in whats available too.
At least I know more about what I want versus what an inexperienced parent may think they want (Me included!) I'm excited to have the chance to get to do things "the right way" this time.

Its going to be a fun ride, so we'll see now that its all public like, I can try and post more.

Leaving the Situation

November SUCKS. There I said it. Maybe I'm the only one thinking it. Seriously though even without all the pressures that I have had this month, I'm pretty sure I would come to that same conclusion. Its that time between Halloween and Christmas. And getting ready for Thanksgiving which in some circles is a bigger deal than Christmas.
So here's a moments for something I am thankful for: I am thankful for being a Mom. I am thankful for my son.
I can be thankful for my son and still want to scream at him. This coexisting of conflicting emotions always ends badly. Having a pre school aged child is hard. Having a preschool aged child, with all of the financial responsibility, with all of dropping off responsibility, with all of the reading and snuggling and being calm and nurturing every moment as a single mom is, extra hard.
Yes he has a "Daddy" now but its not the full fledged responsibility yet.
Today had just been one of those days. Its Wednesday night, I came home, I excersized still had no idea what to cook for dinner, no money to really eat out as I have two checks out right now I am still waiting to go through and hoping maybe just maybe my pay check will hit my account first.
This is the struggle of almost every parent. Everything piles up. IT SUCKS. When all of this piles we snap. ... Well if you don't snap, your a saint in my book and I'd love to hear your tricks, because tonight, my tricks just aren't helping. They literally are not working. So I left the situation. I left because I am tired, and I am exasperated, and I just wanted to eat my damn dinner without listening to tears and the bitching of my 4 year old. I know a harsh word for a child's whine, but I'm being frank, and sometimes his whines just get to that point.
My exasperation climbed to the level of intolerance tonight, and so I decided to leave the situation before I really said, or did something I would regret.
One of the best things about children is that he wont remember this in a few weeks, and yet whenever I have a night like this I worry, I worry about how badly I am fucking up my kid. I worry that by yelling at him over something as stupid as orange chicken I am going to emotionally scar him for life. Someday this will come back and bite me in the butt. I mean how could it not? I also try to remind myself that I am human, and sometimes we all snap, and yelling at him is in the long run not as bad as what some parents do, and its always followed by a hug and an apology to him from me after I have had sometime to calm down and realize, but it still makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Like there is something broken inside of me.

I am a Mom, I am not perfect. It is okay to mess up, but I'm glad that tonight I left the situation. Sure maybe it was after little yelling, but I removed myself before it got way way worse. I love him, I suppose I should go remind him of that, and give him a snuggle.

Thanks for reading my rant.