The Big Adjustment

Well this one has been coming. And is a good 3 weeks over due. I apologize it really has been an adjustment for everyone.

Recently (the last day of March) I got to make a big change in not only my life, but for the wearer of little pajamas as well (lately its been little bat man pajamas). After searching for close to a year for full time employment, I finally got a job. The awesome adult kind with regualr hours, a 401k and benefits. I suppose many Mom's have these things long before becoming a Mom, and many leave them behind to be a Mom. I applaud those women, also where does your husband work and will they hire mine (well okay so he's not my husband)?

I got to enjoy 4 years of most of my days being with him. I went to school for about 3.5 of those years, and I got to do some contract work from home, but it wasn't paying the bills. I've been pretty anxious to establish financial stability for me and the little man since day one, but I knew it was only ever going to be possible with a degree. I sacrificed the degree I wanted for the degree that made sense. The one that allowed me to move home, for us to have the support and shelter of his grandparents, and even more importantly that I would finish quickly and become employable. Don't get me wrong I think about going back, but after 6 years of higher education that only accumulated into a AAS and a certificate, I'm a bit burnt out. Not to mention the loans.

Ahh the bills, as far as adjustments go that one has been easy to make. Money is going into his college fund, paying off my loans, and being spent on fun things left and right, all while still managing to save up to be able to move out. Me and my boys! I really am impatient and terrified by the prospect, but I know its exciting. I know little pajama is too. (Were still warming up to the D word, but its been uttered a few times.)

The adjustment from essentially being a student mom to a work from home mom was fantastic. While being a student he did go to day care, which I dont regret, and I expect any future children will go a few days a week as well. The real point is I use to get to be home with him MOST of the time. Now for 45 hours a week plus commute time I am not with him, and leaves us little weekday time for all the things we love to do.

I miss him and I am missing out on a lot, but the fact remains, there is a huge stress taken out of my life by having a good stable, living wage income. I am lucky enough to work for a big, yet very family oriented company, and a small department within it so I am able to run off for long lunches for Pre school functions and things of that nature when the occasion arises. Over all though I am on the cusp of thriving as a well adjusted, fairly successful young adult and single Mom. Mind you this is largely my perception of the situation versus what my own situation was, but I am proud of where I have gotten and I know its the best thing for me and the little man even if it means less time for us.

Its been harder on him. Schedules are different, he gets drug around more by grandma and grandpa. He is picked up and dropped off now by Grandma at preschool. I miss knowing whats going on, but he does like to tell me. He rarely naps now, I miss napping with him, in our chair. The most relaxing thing in the world is to have a sleeping child curled in your lap. (Its also a good excuse to take a nap your self or read a book).

I guess most importantly though the real point is we are adjusting. Mommy is a bit more tired, and cranky, but he wakes up shortly after me most mornings. I hear him sit at the top of the stairs babbling to the cat until I open the door and take him back down stairs. This means he gets to watch Curious George on a regular basis (This wasn't a part of the morning line up previously because it was ending as we got down stairs.) Despite me being uttlerly exhausted (Its gotten a little better) were doing okay. I miss the time with him, but luckily he is getting to spend this time with his Granparents before we move out.

The part of my day though usually goes like this as I get home "So, how was work?" his sweet little voice meets my ears, and I tell him about what I did, and ask about pre school. I' mfinding that this adjustment like with many others is all about finding a balance, and making sure the time we do get to spend together is of the best quality. I know were both still getting use to things, but we've both come a long way in the last two months, and I know things will get even better. I am lucky to have such a well adjusted kid, who can handle change even better than I give him credit for

This gem is from Memorial day, making the best out of our three day weekend, even though we were stuck in the car part of the afternoon. Sometime I will have to write about Tiger. Yes that's its name. 

The Only Parent Conundrum

          I decided that rather than sharing adorable stories from the little one and I's week, it might be a good idea to delve into well, what my parenting situation actually is. People don't seem to actually understand, and it has lead to some awkward conversations. It is not uncommon for these conversations to occur with strangers, which honestly might make them all that much more strange (the conversations that is).
          One of the best parts about meeting new people is that fantastic point in conversation when they decide its okay to get all up in my business about my kiddos dad. I will sum up this conversation for you, usually they will say something about his dad, which leads to me awkwardly shuffling my feet, and launching into a near immediate explanation. "Oh well his dad isn't involved in our lives" has become the clipped short and to the point explanation I now offer strangers who comment on how his dad must be a blonde, or make other assumptions. It happens often enough though that I get to give this explanation instead. "Well his dad isn't involved in our lives, and for all intensive purposes he doesn't actually know about him, so I am not a single parent, I actually consider myself an only parent." This is usually followed by some sort of concern on their part, or scorn as they judge whether or not I am a horrible person. I then usually get to tell them something along the lines of the abridged history of my relationship with his father and why it lead to me making the decision to not involve him for the sake of everyone (including his own).
         It bothers me that I continually have to explain this. It's beginning to stop now that I have the boy friend. In fact we had the kiddo with us on a beach trip a few weekends ago and I completely allowed the lady at the ice cream counter to be mistaken about him being both my husband and the kiddos father. I know it seems like such a silly thing, but it also may have been the beginning of letting go of a small piece of what has been a core part of my identity the last 4 years. While people often seem to want me to be ashamed of the choices I made concerning my son and the fact that I haven't involved his father in our lives, I am PROUD of that choice, and I have never regretted it. I think many more young single mothers would be much better off if they had the strength to make the choice. For me the choice was pretty easy, his father and I ended up on opposite coasts before I even knew I was pregnant. There were a plethora of other factors as well, but for the intensive purposes of privacy and not completely boring you, I won't elaborate on that story any more. However if you ever want to ask me about it, I prefer to talk about it over a nice cold beer.
          I started to talk about how being this only parent has become a part of my identity, I know our kids become a part of our identity no matter the situation. It's a strange sensation when that piece of your identity and how you identify your family starts to change. For a previously married couple I'd imagine that would come with a divorce. Or a single parent who like me is starting a journey with someone and welcoming them into life bit by bit. I am lucky in that this progression has been so natural. My son has never not adored my boyfriend (Okay in all fairness he knew from the get go that he worked at the zoo, so that gave him major points even before he was the guy hanging around with mom a lot.) the natural way he has always liked my boyfriend helped me to make sure I knew this guy I've been seeing for over half a year now was really worth it. This half a year and growing into our roles and a different sort of family identity have been amazing, but I do find I spend time mourning things I never really noticed, or before were always just a silly preference that made sense. (My son completely clings to his Auntie, I am pretty sure if she could she'd give him a mountain of vanilla ice cream and a new puppy every time she saw him so I can't blame him one bit.) It's different though when it is someone I am essentially saying here, this has been a part of my identity since I brought this child into the world and I'm giving up this piece of me for the sake of growing our family. My heart melted a bit the first time he said that he loved him to me, and even more the first time he said he was beginning to really feel like a Dad. I wasn't on that page yet (sorry honey but I wasn't but I loved it a lot) I'm catching up and its more of a tug of war than I realized it would be. I'm beginning to not feel like a single mom.
          I am beginning to not feel like a single mom. I had to say it again because that's how much it freaks me out. The loss of self, and the giving up of control in an entirely different sort of way. It's entirely different to fall in love with someone when you have a child, there is so much guarding of hearts that has to happen. It actually feels pretty good to be able to relax a bit, and welcome the help, and emotional support. I know he's not there yet completely but he's getting there. The three of us are coming together and were figuring it out, and its beautiful and as I figure out my feelings its been a bit (well okay a lot) messy, but that's life and I wouldn't have it any other way.