Leaving the Situation

November SUCKS. There I said it. Maybe I'm the only one thinking it. Seriously though even without all the pressures that I have had this month, I'm pretty sure I would come to that same conclusion. Its that time between Halloween and Christmas. And getting ready for Thanksgiving which in some circles is a bigger deal than Christmas.
So here's a moments for something I am thankful for: I am thankful for being a Mom. I am thankful for my son.
I can be thankful for my son and still want to scream at him. This coexisting of conflicting emotions always ends badly. Having a pre school aged child is hard. Having a preschool aged child, with all of the financial responsibility, with all of dropping off responsibility, with all of the reading and snuggling and being calm and nurturing every moment as a single mom is, extra hard.
Yes he has a "Daddy" now but its not the full fledged responsibility yet.
Today had just been one of those days. Its Wednesday night, I came home, I excersized still had no idea what to cook for dinner, no money to really eat out as I have two checks out right now I am still waiting to go through and hoping maybe just maybe my pay check will hit my account first.
This is the struggle of almost every parent. Everything piles up. IT SUCKS. When all of this piles we snap. ... Well if you don't snap, your a saint in my book and I'd love to hear your tricks, because tonight, my tricks just aren't helping. They literally are not working. So I left the situation. I left because I am tired, and I am exasperated, and I just wanted to eat my damn dinner without listening to tears and the bitching of my 4 year old. I know a harsh word for a child's whine, but I'm being frank, and sometimes his whines just get to that point.
My exasperation climbed to the level of intolerance tonight, and so I decided to leave the situation before I really said, or did something I would regret.
One of the best things about children is that he wont remember this in a few weeks, and yet whenever I have a night like this I worry, I worry about how badly I am fucking up my kid. I worry that by yelling at him over something as stupid as orange chicken I am going to emotionally scar him for life. Someday this will come back and bite me in the butt. I mean how could it not? I also try to remind myself that I am human, and sometimes we all snap, and yelling at him is in the long run not as bad as what some parents do, and its always followed by a hug and an apology to him from me after I have had sometime to calm down and realize, but it still makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Like there is something broken inside of me.

I am a Mom, I am not perfect. It is okay to mess up, but I'm glad that tonight I left the situation. Sure maybe it was after little yelling, but I removed myself before it got way way worse. I love him, I suppose I should go remind him of that, and give him a snuggle.

Thanks for reading my rant.

"Mom I don't like anything you cook."

Kids can be total jerks. Don't get me wrong, little pajama is my main squeeze, but man does he ever drive me crazy. I mean this is normal he's 4.. right this is normal?
The thing is for last 6... 8 I don't even know how many weeks its been and him on Sundays. Which is great I love to have my Mommy and PJ time. Its also really hard. We have a third person living with us now, little pajamas soccer games were so expertly times that nothing was getting done around the house on Saturday's. Which hello you have Sunday and evenings to clean your house just relax on Saturday. Which is unfortumately what was happening, that and life is BUSY. I never realized how busy little lives are until I had my little PJ even from an early age. And of course it means that we get to spend time doing all of the wonderful things from my childhood that I love and miss. Pumpkin patch of course! (Good bye entire last Sunday (guess whose house didn't get cleaned!)) Weddings to go to. Life to live you know.

Thats the thing though through all that life that was being done living, I had managed to get a nice home cooked meal on my table for my family, every Sunday night. Now I'm not religious, so Sunday has nothing to do with that, but there's something cathartic about spending a few hours putting in real effort to make your family a nice meal. Better than the weeknight meals that get sloppily thrown together, but are still none the less home made if not to a lesser degree.

Little PJ is SMALL. He is almost 5 and I think he clocks in around 34lbs right now, hes all muscle and bone. He's healthy but after nearly 12 months of nutritionist visits and monthly weigh ins when he was younger it is ingrained my brain that is (almost) never a bad thing if this kid is recieving calories. And striving to be a good mother means I want to feed that kid, I want him to grow and catch up and be where he needs to be. Its not always as simple as all of that, (This largely played into why PJ was breast fed until he was 2.5 but that's another topic.) I learned how to calorie load my child and make sure that he gets the nutrition he needs. lots of dairy and as much protein as I can get in him. (I know my kid is not the only nearly vegetarian child out there. Kids don't like to eat meat because it is so hard to chew. yada yada yada pediatric nutritionist wisdom. this was how I originally learned to not beat myself up over it when he doesnt eat every single thing I cook.

Last nights Sunday night dinner took a turn for the miserable.  It was simple, I had made chicken on saturday inbetween my much needed neglected cleaning from the previous week. I made chicken stock and picked the bones, and made gravy all for the sake of Sunday night dinner. Chicken and dumplings. They were delicious. Can you think of a more kid friendly meal? He loves my chicken (usually) and it was delicious and flavorful soup. The dumplings were fluffy and soft and just the right amount of doughy. Honestly its a faily simple not surprising meal.

He said my dumplings looked like poop. And he said he no longer likes my cooking. It was worse than getting shot in the heart. We had guests. I lost it a reasonable amount but my anger was nothing compared to how heart broken it made me. (Which is probably somewhat guilty for the night that followed after he went to bed, Hello mommy's little helper #OneBadMother ).

Yet like the never giving up Mom that I am on a quest to have a healthy kid, who is open to eating things, I made dinner again tonight. Monday, it was boring and he ate some of it. Its frusterating. I guess the difference lies somewhere in this... When I cook a meal I dont expect him to like my feelings arent hurt. So why do I let myself get so badly bummed over a meal he should like but then doesnt eat.

Just for the record, I did make him Annie's microwave mac and cheese last night so he didnt starve (Thanks Annies) but it hurt no less. This is really just more thing on the pile. Moms out there, your doing a good job, if you know a Mom, make sure she knows it. If you know a parent make sure they know they are doing a good job. Were all trying, and when it really comes down to it all we really need is a little outside confirmation that people see that we are trying, that our efforts are recognized, that it isnt all for nothing.

And, now I need to go roll out green cookie dough so that tomorrow we can decorate zombie cookies. This is life, he is four, I do not blame him, but it makes it no less difficult sometimes.

So to myself I silently remind myself, that I am doing a good job. And if I'm not every given second, that is okay, because the fact that I am trying, and doing my best, means, I am doing a good job.

Summer What's That? And Moving With a Four Year Old??

This is the first summer in a long time where I have an actual schedule I can't manipulate around home work schedules and my own desires. Being a working Mom isn't easy. Its easier than being a broke Mom, but its been particularly hard since Little Pajama has been out of the preschool for the summer. Not only has he been out of school but our weekend's have been chalk full of things we've had to do.

This is mostly why I haven't had a chance to chronicle the misadventures of Little Pajama and I lately. I've been busy and exhausted. No more are summers left to the whims of a bicycle and whatever adventure I want to take. Every time I whine just a little everyone likes to warn me I likely wont have another completely free weekend until I am old and decrepit. I guess I will start having to say "no". This is one of those words that we forget is important. Sometimes you just need to say hey world, no I'm not going to put on real pants this weekend, no I am not going to put on a bra. Also if I dont feel like brushing my hair, guess what I'm not going to!

Unfortunately though there is SO much that I need to get done. There have been some pretty major highlights to this summer so here are a few.

• The bf and I celebrated our one year! It's fantastic and we couldn't be happier. 
• Little Pajama has started with the "D" word. My man is officially known as Daddy, and I couldnt be happier about it. Sure it scares me a bit but I am happy that they came to this place mostly on their own. They are pretty much the cutest boys in the world so I'm glad they get to be adorable together. 
• WE MOVED! The man and little pajama and I now are renting our very own 3 bedroom dwelling. Little man has his own bathroom, and bed room. We have an office/ guest room. 

This is probably the biggest and most exciting thing to have come from this summer. Its a big step for us, but its wonderful and we are so excited to get to start this next chapter. There are a few different things I'd like to do to make sure I am raising a happy healthy little pajama and I am hoping that this is the best time to start enacting some of these stratgies. Stay tuned to see what works and doesnt work for us as I am sure there will be hilarity to ensue. Maybe also some great things that workd for us and some fails that didnt work so well... After all part of being a mom is getting to share your triumphs and having an ability to laugh at your failures is a good thing that works too. 

One of the most important steps we took in this move was making sure Little Pajama had some say in things. We let him pick the paint color for his accent wall (sort of he insisted on dark blue, so I had to put my foot down.) I started him a donate bin (which we will hopefully be able to take at least part of to a womans shelter.) He was horribly unwilling to put anything in the donate bin at the begining but by the end he started to realize that these toys were going to go to kids that would hopefully actually appreciate them. Toys he wanted to keep go placed inside of boxes for the new place. 

Another thing that helped was that he got to go out of town with his grandparents during moving day, and then again for most of the unpacking (HELLO SUMMER!) Were all still unpacking some of the smaller stuff, but were also still adjusting. Over all though he seems excited about the new place, and that's whats important to me. In fact we have some unpacking of his toys to do today because I felt it important for him to get to unpack what he originally packed. 

I guess I better get to work. Hopefully I'll have another update up soon. 

Oh the Humanity

I mostly steer clear of hot button political issues. They aren't my thing, not for here anyways. This one I cant avoid, as a parent the emotions incidents of violence among youth have a greater effect on us. For some reason though my brain isn't going to be quiet until I get out my thoughts about this one. 

There was another school shooting today. About 20 mi from my home. I know people who live in the area, and knew people who went to that high school while I was in high school myself. This has little to do with the school or the timing, other than that these instances of school shootings, which many people describe as "sense less acts of violence" seem to be increasing. Its only been about 18 months since the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. Which I remember like yesterday, and there have been 74 shootings recorded in the United States. Clearly this is an issue. It is not something that as a parent I can ignore. My son goes to school with small children and maybe a total of 90 kids there at any given time between the ages of 3-5. The risk factor with his school is low, but I am about 18 months out from him hitting kindergarten and that scares the crap out of me. 

I never thought I would say this but if putting him a private school would gurantee he graduates from high school without a terrible act such as one of these occurring in his school, then it would be worth it. The scary thing is, it wouldn't be enough. We are less than a week out from the shooting at Seattle Pacific University as well. I am sad for everyone affected by all of the school shootings in history. The truth is though, we can't protect our children from this kind of violence. I know how hopeless that statement may seem to you, but I want to assure you, I do not mean it to be. 

I think the hope has to lie in that we have some control over our children, and what they have access to, but more importantly how they interpurt the world around them and interact with it. I do not want little Pajama living in fear because I placed him in a box. I do not want to deny him video games (he plays age appropriate ones), or any of the other things that some theorize may turn him violent. We NEED to teach our children COMPASSION, we need to teach them MORALS, we need to LISTEN to them even when they ARE NOT TALKING. We need to advocate for our kids, and teach them to be THEIR OWN BIGGEST ADVOCATE.  Just yesterday I put the little Pajama into time out because he was trying to kick the ball out of the dogs mouth. He genuinely didn't realize he could hurt the dog, and I watched him as he realized he could have, and I think he learned his lesson. That was the point, to teach him that the behavior was unacceptable and that it is not okay to cause harm to others. Shielding our children wont solve the problem. Talking to our children about gun safety can help, but even more helpful, we need to LOCK up our guns and not give children access to them without proper supervision for the right kinds of activities. I don not want Americans to lose their right to bear arms. I do want there to be stricter more stringent tests a person must pass to have the right to do so, if this stopped the deaths of children who had their entire lives ahead of them, then wouldn't it be worth it? Maybe I have to much faith in humanity, but conservatives and their attachments to their guns to protect themselves is not something I personally understand. Being able to protect yourself is one thing, but even better would be avoiding situations in which you feel you need to protect yourself.

Another thing I only just recently realized is that these shooters apparently often do this to find fame. To be remembered, how does that get skewed that badly in their minds. I am not sure how the media can solve this problem, but maybe some different tactics are in order. 

I'm confused as many others are. I'm sad like many others. And I am SCARED. Like many others, but I will wake up tomorrow and continue to the best I can to assure the world that I will not raise the sort of person who could ever commit an act like this. How? I'll make it up as I go along, but it will mostly involve me being there for them, teaching them whats right from wrong, and how to stand up for themselves. I will try and lift my children up above any negativity they may get from peers. I seize TEACHABLE moments. I will do all of this doing the one thing above all else may help, I will do it with LOVE. There just simply isnt enough of it in the world, and I will try and teach my children to put love out into the world. 

Now for a story about little Pajama. The evening that Sandy Hook happend I sat on the couch, and the news was on and I cried, quiet tears that steamed down my face without drawing attention. Pajama was only two at the time and he of course noticed. He reached his hand up to my tears on my cheek and looked horribly concerned. He had barely begun to talk in sentences. "Mama whats wrong?" He asked I could head the dread in his voice. I told him the best I could that a bad man had hurt many children, and I was very sad for the children and their families. I would like to think I taught him in that moment, rather than shielded him from the cruelty of the world. 

I dont know. I am sad, its late. Were all confused and I hope that this issue slows, no more school shootings. 

The Big Adjustment

Well this one has been coming. And is a good 3 weeks over due. I apologize it really has been an adjustment for everyone.

Recently (the last day of March) I got to make a big change in not only my life, but for the wearer of little pajamas as well (lately its been little bat man pajamas). After searching for close to a year for full time employment, I finally got a job. The awesome adult kind with regualr hours, a 401k and benefits. I suppose many Mom's have these things long before becoming a Mom, and many leave them behind to be a Mom. I applaud those women, also where does your husband work and will they hire mine (well okay so he's not my husband)?

I got to enjoy 4 years of most of my days being with him. I went to school for about 3.5 of those years, and I got to do some contract work from home, but it wasn't paying the bills. I've been pretty anxious to establish financial stability for me and the little man since day one, but I knew it was only ever going to be possible with a degree. I sacrificed the degree I wanted for the degree that made sense. The one that allowed me to move home, for us to have the support and shelter of his grandparents, and even more importantly that I would finish quickly and become employable. Don't get me wrong I think about going back, but after 6 years of higher education that only accumulated into a AAS and a certificate, I'm a bit burnt out. Not to mention the loans.

Ahh the bills, as far as adjustments go that one has been easy to make. Money is going into his college fund, paying off my loans, and being spent on fun things left and right, all while still managing to save up to be able to move out. Me and my boys! I really am impatient and terrified by the prospect, but I know its exciting. I know little pajama is too. (Were still warming up to the D word, but its been uttered a few times.)

The adjustment from essentially being a student mom to a work from home mom was fantastic. While being a student he did go to day care, which I dont regret, and I expect any future children will go a few days a week as well. The real point is I use to get to be home with him MOST of the time. Now for 45 hours a week plus commute time I am not with him, and leaves us little weekday time for all the things we love to do.

I miss him and I am missing out on a lot, but the fact remains, there is a huge stress taken out of my life by having a good stable, living wage income. I am lucky enough to work for a big, yet very family oriented company, and a small department within it so I am able to run off for long lunches for Pre school functions and things of that nature when the occasion arises. Over all though I am on the cusp of thriving as a well adjusted, fairly successful young adult and single Mom. Mind you this is largely my perception of the situation versus what my own situation was, but I am proud of where I have gotten and I know its the best thing for me and the little man even if it means less time for us.

Its been harder on him. Schedules are different, he gets drug around more by grandma and grandpa. He is picked up and dropped off now by Grandma at preschool. I miss knowing whats going on, but he does like to tell me. He rarely naps now, I miss napping with him, in our chair. The most relaxing thing in the world is to have a sleeping child curled in your lap. (Its also a good excuse to take a nap your self or read a book).

I guess most importantly though the real point is we are adjusting. Mommy is a bit more tired, and cranky, but he wakes up shortly after me most mornings. I hear him sit at the top of the stairs babbling to the cat until I open the door and take him back down stairs. This means he gets to watch Curious George on a regular basis (This wasn't a part of the morning line up previously because it was ending as we got down stairs.) Despite me being uttlerly exhausted (Its gotten a little better) were doing okay. I miss the time with him, but luckily he is getting to spend this time with his Granparents before we move out.

The part of my day though usually goes like this as I get home "So, how was work?" his sweet little voice meets my ears, and I tell him about what I did, and ask about pre school. I' mfinding that this adjustment like with many others is all about finding a balance, and making sure the time we do get to spend together is of the best quality. I know were both still getting use to things, but we've both come a long way in the last two months, and I know things will get even better. I am lucky to have such a well adjusted kid, who can handle change even better than I give him credit for

This gem is from Memorial day, making the best out of our three day weekend, even though we were stuck in the car part of the afternoon. Sometime I will have to write about Tiger. Yes that's its name. 

Muddling Through Whats Best for the Kid

I think one of the universal truths for all parents is that we want to do the very best thing for our children. I think even the parents who don't seem to care they at least WANT to do the best thing.
I hate this term, and I hate that I adhere to it completely by nature, but I am going to out myself. I largely adhere to attachment parenting. This meant that my little PJ slept with me nightly for three years of his life, and still comes into my bed most nights, and he nursed until he was 2 and half, now that puts many parents to shame, but it also isn't nearly as long as some mothers choose to nurse. If your going to judge me or anyone for that, JUST DON'T IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. We are all just trying to do the best we can though


...Well sigh, I got distracted while writing that. And now that its a week later, I will get to the point, and refocus this post. (me focus HAHAHA)
Last Friday, my little man had to get some dental work done. He has soft enamel. On top of that my allowing him to breast feed for a somewhat extended period of time didn't help. I brushed his teeth (most of the time) but he had to have something fixed on each of his teeth. The good news is that the work done ended up being much less serious than they have anticipated. It was still time consuming and they put him under general anesthesia for the procedure.

It was by far the scariest decision I have had to make for him. It took a lot of weighing logic versus comfort versus common sense. I ultimately decided it wouldn't be worth it to make him go in for 6 different visits, and likely ruining his enjoyment of going to the dentist in the process. We had to do the continual visits to the doctors for nearly a year while he was diagnosed failure to thrive. It wasnt easy, by the time we were done with that he hated the scale. He's much better about it now two years later (also two years without monthly visits to the doctors for weigh ins).

I think as a parent one of the hardest things is trusting your intuition. My little PJ was absolutely fine, and I am ultimately pleased with the decision I made, but I did my research and made sure I trusted the doctors who were involved. I was lucky to have people who supported my decision and tried to support me. Thats whats the most important, there is so much internal second guessing that happens with me (and I would imagine most parents) when it comes to the health of our children so anyone who makes that more difficult (who has very little actual regard for the child) should be banned from life. Judging people for the tough decisions they make will never make them feel better. Ultimately you have to follow your gut and hope that the path is clear.

In other news BRUSH YOUR KIDS TEETH AND TAKE THEM TO THE DENTIST!!! Man its expensive to not.... I know theres a straw in the way (for chocolate milk) but they are so much smoother now that they dont have patches of enamel missing. He did so well and I am so proud of him!

The Unlisted Public Play Rules for the Big People

Sorry this post is going up so late in the week. The last few weeks have been complete chaos. I finally started my new job, and there will be a blog post about my adjustment to a 8-5 from working at home soon. I feel it was too early for that as I don't really know for sure how either of us is adjusting yet, other than that I am dead tired. I've racked my brain all week trying to figure out what I felt the need to discuss when inspiration came this evening.

It was not a normal Thursday. I worked all day, and then rushed home so I could accompany my little P to soccer practice. Which was typical, but due to the weather we kept it short as it was drizzly rainy and in general a little cold this week. My sister and her husband bought all of us dinner though, at a pretty cool, but sadly very busy kid friendly pub. Over all my experience was good. Little PJ had a great time.

I however cant seem to relax. In their kids play space in a few different corners of different dining areas they have toys, most of which are perfect for a preschool or early elementary age child. There are rules posted near by. I made sure Powell followed them, as his Mom that's just one of the many ways I can protect him. Follow the rules, stay safe be kind and courteous. The issue wasn't with the rules, they were there to keep everyone safe, probably including the waiters. Two rules really, don't climb and walk. I suppose there were probably others but those seemed to be the issue. Unfortunately for us, it happened to be a night that a local lacrosse club must have decided they all needed to be there. Everyone other than us seemed to know everyone else. Of course all these kids seemed way ages out of the preschool aged toys my, huh 4 year old was playing with. I believe I saw board games and other things in the lobby that could be brought to tables for older children. As the group of loud and very large children congregated where my son was playing, I of course kept my distance, but kept a watchful eye. I had to, because if one of those kids had tried even once to tease my child, or for a second I thought he was in danger it was time to put a stop to it.

As the group of children grew, so did the loud group of parents who managed to be conveniently located in-between me and where my child was playing. I managed to maintain my line of sight however and just ignored it. After a bit of the big kids running from play place to play place the waitress told them to stop running, twice. Not even ONE of their parents spoke up, where they all just that out of tune? Will someday feel like I can check out that much while my kid plays with his friends. I hope the answer is no. If for no other reason than its highly disrespectful to the people who have to keep telling your child to stop, not to mention to the other parents who are around who don't necessarily feel safe while our child is near your unruly child. I guess the fact that they were having a beer is not a good enough excuse to me for these parents to check out, neither is not wanting to embarrass their children in front of their peers. I discussed this with my parents while we sat at the table. One father, rather than scolding his child when the WAITRESS told the big kids they needed to stop climbing, when he heard us complaining about it turned to me, a tiny little 24 year old single mom and goes "Is there a problem?" He was the big A type personality father and I felt intimidated so all I said was "No" and shook my head innocently. (I then went and pulled the plug on Powell playing in that area because I was feeling increasingly less comfortable with him playing over there, they were rocking one of the fisher price kitchens, and climbing on walls, if the kitchen hadn't fallen on Powell he was likely to get a shoe to the face so I pulled the plug) Inside my head while telling this father there wasn't a problem I was actually screaming "Yes I don't feel like my small child is safe because no one is making those children follow the rules, and I really don't need a rendition of Lord of the Flies to play out in this pub while I watch!"... Sigh NEXT TIME I will say something like that. Also why can't kids just naturally read the rules posted on the wall and follow them?  I suppose because their parents never taught them too. Rules are there for a reason.

A Pre-Schooler's Drama

          Pre school. My little man has never been so proud of anything as he is about the fact that he goes to school. P loves to tell people about his school, and his blue back pack it has a monster on it. When you're 3 and 4, school is awesome. Of course he starts at 8:30 and only goes until 11:15. So three hours, 3 days a week. Little does he know they will only add the hours up over the years, but then maybe in college he can get a sweet schedule like that again. I don't remember much from pre-school. I remember laughter fun, recess, and the loft full of stuffed animals that was in the classroom. I've always tried to avoid drama, I suppose.
          P however is very dramatic and very serious. I'm sure I will post about what he is like while playing soccer soon, as soccer season just started again. His preschool operates with a drive thru system. It's pretty sweet, and I love it, so I pick him up, get a quick ear full from the teacher about the day and we head out on our way. I try to get some info from him about the day on the way home. we talk about snack, recess, and his friends during this time. It surprises me how little he wants to talk about the things he learned that day at school, or his friends. We always start with snack. At the beginning of 2014 on one such pick up his teacher informed me that he had become pretty close with a little girl. Each month at sing they sit next to each other as the class performs for their parents. Its quite cute. Earlier this month his little lady went on vacation, he asked if she would be back everyday I brought him until she was. At the end of the week she was back we had this conversation on the way to the boyfriends.
P: I really miss (little girl). *insert dramatic 4 year old sniffle here.*
Me: Well isn't she back from vacation you got to play with her just this morning right?
P: Yes, but I love her.
Me: Well don't you love me too, you get to spend the weekend with Mommy. (I walked right into the trap)
P: No, I only love her.

It pierced my heart and I couldn't help but envision the never ending amount of romantic doom, and broken hearts that will someday befall my sweet little, love sick man. It must be hard to be little. I mean there is SO much he has to learn about life, and love. Friends and enemies. There is only so much you can teach a child. As it turned out though maybe this little girl isn't quite the threat to my position as his main gal.

The following week at the end of the week I picked him up from school. The conversation went as such on the short drive home.
Me: Did you play with ___ today?
P: No we are not friends any more.
Me: Did you choose that? Are you sure you don't want to be friends with her anymore?
P: She was playing with someone else.
Me: Did you ask her to play with you today?
P: She didn't want to.

As it turns out they did play again, but I don't know where his heart lies. He talks about her less, she plays with the girls more, and he seems to be making a few new friends. I sing him the friendship song, but I doubt it makes much sense. I use to sing it in girl scouts but I'm not sure it made a lot of sense to me until I was older, and began to cultivating friendships, and realized that some while existent slip to the back burner. I just hope I can teach him to be patient with people, and that while one of his friends doesn't want to play with him one day, doesn't mean they don't want to on another day. I also hope he grows up more fearless than I was in my school age. Making friends was always hard, the simple going up to a classmate and asking if they wanted to play was never easy for me. I hope it is for him. I also hope he realizes he has enough capacity to love so that he cultivates more meaningful friendships through his life. Those are all lessons that he cant learn from school I guess. Just age an experience.

In other news, and another topic that is soon to come I am sure. I am about to be making the switch from mostly at home mom, to working mom. The transition has me feeling pretty nervous I know we will be okay though.

In other news and to come, are pictures of my little mans redone room which is nearly done. Some food for thought, Why can't picture books have thick enough spines in paperback version to be able to read the spine on a shelf. It is so frustrating!

The Only Parent Conundrum

          I decided that rather than sharing adorable stories from the little one and I's week, it might be a good idea to delve into well, what my parenting situation actually is. People don't seem to actually understand, and it has lead to some awkward conversations. It is not uncommon for these conversations to occur with strangers, which honestly might make them all that much more strange (the conversations that is).
          One of the best parts about meeting new people is that fantastic point in conversation when they decide its okay to get all up in my business about my kiddos dad. I will sum up this conversation for you, usually they will say something about his dad, which leads to me awkwardly shuffling my feet, and launching into a near immediate explanation. "Oh well his dad isn't involved in our lives" has become the clipped short and to the point explanation I now offer strangers who comment on how his dad must be a blonde, or make other assumptions. It happens often enough though that I get to give this explanation instead. "Well his dad isn't involved in our lives, and for all intensive purposes he doesn't actually know about him, so I am not a single parent, I actually consider myself an only parent." This is usually followed by some sort of concern on their part, or scorn as they judge whether or not I am a horrible person. I then usually get to tell them something along the lines of the abridged history of my relationship with his father and why it lead to me making the decision to not involve him for the sake of everyone (including his own).
         It bothers me that I continually have to explain this. It's beginning to stop now that I have the boy friend. In fact we had the kiddo with us on a beach trip a few weekends ago and I completely allowed the lady at the ice cream counter to be mistaken about him being both my husband and the kiddos father. I know it seems like such a silly thing, but it also may have been the beginning of letting go of a small piece of what has been a core part of my identity the last 4 years. While people often seem to want me to be ashamed of the choices I made concerning my son and the fact that I haven't involved his father in our lives, I am PROUD of that choice, and I have never regretted it. I think many more young single mothers would be much better off if they had the strength to make the choice. For me the choice was pretty easy, his father and I ended up on opposite coasts before I even knew I was pregnant. There were a plethora of other factors as well, but for the intensive purposes of privacy and not completely boring you, I won't elaborate on that story any more. However if you ever want to ask me about it, I prefer to talk about it over a nice cold beer.
          I started to talk about how being this only parent has become a part of my identity, I know our kids become a part of our identity no matter the situation. It's a strange sensation when that piece of your identity and how you identify your family starts to change. For a previously married couple I'd imagine that would come with a divorce. Or a single parent who like me is starting a journey with someone and welcoming them into life bit by bit. I am lucky in that this progression has been so natural. My son has never not adored my boyfriend (Okay in all fairness he knew from the get go that he worked at the zoo, so that gave him major points even before he was the guy hanging around with mom a lot.) the natural way he has always liked my boyfriend helped me to make sure I knew this guy I've been seeing for over half a year now was really worth it. This half a year and growing into our roles and a different sort of family identity have been amazing, but I do find I spend time mourning things I never really noticed, or before were always just a silly preference that made sense. (My son completely clings to his Auntie, I am pretty sure if she could she'd give him a mountain of vanilla ice cream and a new puppy every time she saw him so I can't blame him one bit.) It's different though when it is someone I am essentially saying here, this has been a part of my identity since I brought this child into the world and I'm giving up this piece of me for the sake of growing our family. My heart melted a bit the first time he said that he loved him to me, and even more the first time he said he was beginning to really feel like a Dad. I wasn't on that page yet (sorry honey but I wasn't but I loved it a lot) I'm catching up and its more of a tug of war than I realized it would be. I'm beginning to not feel like a single mom.
          I am beginning to not feel like a single mom. I had to say it again because that's how much it freaks me out. The loss of self, and the giving up of control in an entirely different sort of way. It's entirely different to fall in love with someone when you have a child, there is so much guarding of hearts that has to happen. It actually feels pretty good to be able to relax a bit, and welcome the help, and emotional support. I know he's not there yet completely but he's getting there. The three of us are coming together and were figuring it out, and its beautiful and as I figure out my feelings its been a bit (well okay a lot) messy, but that's life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Swimming lesson and puddle jumping

         Being four must be a lot of fun. Well most of the time anyways. Mind you I'm the sort of person who thinks pretty much any age before chore charts and hormones has to be pretty awesome. I envy the freedom from judgment that youth provides. I'm pretty sure most of what goes on in my little one's head is far different from what is in my own. He is becoming more aware of certain things however. Lately if were out to eat and he has to use the restroom he wants to use the "boys" room. He has the equipment for it, but not really the know how, and I'm one of those people in the not so unique situation where I can't say "Here Dad it's your turn!" Locker rooms, must be an entirely different scenario however. Or maybe its the excitement of swimming lessons that powers him through the door with a silhouette of a stick woman, or we can only assume since she clearly has on a triangle dress. I like to let him have fun on the way there. It's been pouring buckets lately, normal march in the Pacific Northwest. So he had on his swim trunks, swim shirt, rain boots and a hoodie. It was pretty much the cutest thing ever, but really it was for the sake of a short encounter the first time through the locker room, which I knew would be empty this time, but still the less time the better.

           He stood in the shower, spray him off, go out find the group, try not to get to jostled by the crowd of wet children and their dry hurried parents who just finished lessons before us. Now today I had a plan. You see I respect that there are families with multiple children and or both parents who can help after, so I respect them and I stay away from the family locker rooms, at least for now. I don't really have an issue taking him into the girls side, he is only four after all I am a single mom, these things are to be expected, but Sunday night swimming lessons, does not so much coincide with the whole bath time at home later, so I had a plan. I was going to make sure we were the first ones back to shower and we were going to get the handicapped shower because it has a hose. I could shower him after swim, no bath needed. It was going to be great. I sat and watched him as he jumped in and out of the pool, eavesdropping on the family behind me (4 adults to watch one little girl who happened to be in the same group as my son, mind you I appreciated having the boyfriend by my side last week but am use to doing things on my own so a group of 4 to 1 seems a bit like over kill) and kept track of the time, I was going to be the first one out there and the first into the locker room so we could get in, get showered and get out as fast as possible. Now I am sure there are families that were faster, but we did pretty good for us and got the hose shower. (Just for the record if there was a handicapped person who needed it I would have given it up in heart beat and forgone my dry jeans and had him shower in the regular ones.)
 
              Its after the shower where things get interesting. He's curious and 4, his eyes wander. Its become almost a game. Its like how can I teach him locker room manners without making him aware of what's actually going on, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Guys joke about crude locker room stuff all the time. Girls are catty and mean when it comes to locker room business and if you aren't the alpha female you keep your head down and pretend you don't exist, you don't look you don't talk and hope that no one notices your tiny white training bra with a pink bow. Mind you I've gotten over most of my locker room fear (although apparently not the middle school version of locker room). There's not a lot of room for modesty after you have shoved a child out of you. However certain locker room etiquette exists such as, keep your towel around you if your nude and get at least your undergarments on you as quickly as possible (I can manage to flash very little amounts of private skin). Okay there are plenty of women out there who literally don't seem to care one bit about... letting it all hang out, and I am somewhere between in awe of their lack of caring and embarrassed for them. However all of this leads to me as a single mom attempting to be a sort of shield, hiding the women from my son, so he's not acutely aware that he is surrounded by girls and women to avoid him feeling awkward, but also because he just doesn't need to see naked girls. Of course he's seen me naked, being a single mom means pretty much every time I'm like "Yay 5 minutes in the bath room to poop and shower in peace" means I'm going to get walked in on by him. I have this maneuver where I dry his hair and walk to where are clothes are waiting in relative dryness, this keeps his eyes pretty well covered, I then wrap him in it, strip him down and get him into his underwear as quickly as possible. Then I remove his towel, I try really hard for the sake of all the other moms and the little innocent girls to hide his penis. Not because he should be ashamed of it, but just because this is a place where they shouldn't have to worry about such things, and maybe just maybe I can teach him some modesty in the process as well.

               His dry clothes were a pair of sweats in such a light blue they looked like jammies another thing that would mortify me but doesn't phase him, and he dressed and slipped into his rain boots again. Bundled back up we stopped at the front desk and talked with our favorite front desk lady, he just knows her as Grandma though. By the time we ventured back out there were more puddles than cars in the parking lot. and he jumps into the very first puddle he comes to. It was one of those moments, where I caught myself before stopping him with the usual complaints "you'll get sick" "You'll get wet" he already was wet and if he fell and got muddy we were 5 minutes from home and he would be cleaned up again easily enough so it seemed like a good time for him to get to. It was a good moment for me, I just let it go and let us both be in the moment. After all isn't that what #puddlejumping is all about. The little ones got stomped in but there were a few big ones that warranted multiple jumps and before either of us knew it, he has splashed into his boots and up his pants, I knew it was going to be an early #pajama night.

 

             We took his boots off when we got in the car. Which made for an interesting teachable moment when we got home. "Mommy my feet are cold and wet" He told me as we got the front door unlocked, him on one hip, bag with clothes and my purse hanging from the other arm "Well yea you jumped so much that water went into your boots." I told him stating the obvious "but that was fun right?" I asked hoping he would reply yes. "No, its cold" he told me, "Well what if next time we jump closer to home so its easier to get warmed up would it have been fun then." "Yea!" He cheered, as we raced up the stairs to a drawer of dry clothing. Once changed all was right in the world. I wonder what adventures swimming lessons will bring us next week.