I decided that rather than sharing adorable stories from the little one and I's week, it might be a good idea to delve into well, what my parenting situation actually is. People don't seem to actually understand, and it has lead to some awkward conversations. It is not uncommon for these conversations to occur with strangers, which honestly might make them all that much more strange (the conversations that is).
One of the best parts about meeting new people is that fantastic point in conversation when they decide its okay to get all up in my business about my kiddos dad. I will sum up this conversation for you, usually they will say something about his dad, which leads to me awkwardly shuffling my feet, and launching into a near immediate explanation. "Oh well his dad isn't involved in our lives" has become the clipped short and to the point explanation I now offer strangers who comment on how his dad must be a blonde, or make other assumptions. It happens often enough though that I get to give this explanation instead. "Well his dad isn't involved in our lives, and for all intensive purposes he doesn't actually know about him, so I am not a single parent, I actually consider myself an only parent." This is usually followed by some sort of concern on their part, or scorn as they judge whether or not I am a horrible person. I then usually get to tell them something along the lines of the abridged history of my relationship with his father and why it lead to me making the decision to not involve him for the sake of everyone (including his own).
It bothers me that I continually have to explain this. It's beginning to stop now that I have the boy friend. In fact we had the kiddo with us on a beach trip a few weekends ago and I completely allowed the lady at the ice cream counter to be mistaken about him being both my husband and the kiddos father. I know it seems like such a silly thing, but it also may have been the beginning of letting go of a small piece of what has been a core part of my identity the last 4 years. While people often seem to want me to be ashamed of the choices I made concerning my son and the fact that I haven't involved his father in our lives, I am PROUD of that choice, and I have never regretted it. I think many more young single mothers would be much better off if they had the strength to make the choice. For me the choice was pretty easy, his father and I ended up on opposite coasts before I even knew I was pregnant. There were a plethora of other factors as well, but for the intensive purposes of privacy and not completely boring you, I won't elaborate on that story any more. However if you ever want to ask me about it, I prefer to talk about it over a nice cold beer.
I started to talk about how being this only parent has become a part of my identity, I know our kids become a part of our identity no matter the situation. It's a strange sensation when that piece of your identity and how you identify your family starts to change. For a previously married couple I'd imagine that would come with a divorce. Or a single parent who like me is starting a journey with someone and welcoming them into life bit by bit. I am lucky in that this progression has been so natural. My son has never not adored my boyfriend (Okay in all fairness he knew from the get go that he worked at the zoo, so that gave him major points even before he was the guy hanging around with mom a lot.) the natural way he has always liked my boyfriend helped me to make sure I knew this guy I've been seeing for over half a year now was really worth it. This half a year and growing into our roles and a different sort of family identity have been amazing, but I do find I spend time mourning things I never really noticed, or before were always just a silly preference that made sense. (My son completely clings to his Auntie, I am pretty sure if she could she'd give him a mountain of vanilla ice cream and a new puppy every time she saw him so I can't blame him one bit.) It's different though when it is someone I am essentially saying here, this has been a part of my identity since I brought this child into the world and I'm giving up this piece of me for the sake of growing our family. My heart melted a bit the first time he said that he loved him to me, and even more the first time he said he was beginning to really feel like a Dad. I wasn't on that page yet (sorry honey but I wasn't but I loved it a lot) I'm catching up and its more of a tug of war than I realized it would be. I'm beginning to not feel like a single mom.
I am beginning to not feel like a single mom. I had to say it again because that's how much it freaks me out. The loss of self, and the giving up of control in an entirely different sort of way. It's entirely different to fall in love with someone when you have a child, there is so much guarding of hearts that has to happen. It actually feels pretty good to be able to relax a bit, and welcome the help, and emotional support. I know he's not there yet completely but he's getting there. The three of us are coming together and were figuring it out, and its beautiful and as I figure out my feelings its been a bit (well okay a lot) messy, but that's life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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