November SUCKS. There I said it. Maybe I'm the only one thinking it. Seriously though even without all the pressures that I have had this month, I'm pretty sure I would come to that same conclusion. Its that time between Halloween and Christmas. And getting ready for Thanksgiving which in some circles is a bigger deal than Christmas.
So here's a moments for something I am thankful for: I am thankful for being a Mom. I am thankful for my son.
I can be thankful for my son and still want to scream at him. This coexisting of conflicting emotions always ends badly. Having a pre school aged child is hard. Having a preschool aged child, with all of the financial responsibility, with all of dropping off responsibility, with all of the reading and snuggling and being calm and nurturing every moment as a single mom is, extra hard.
Yes he has a "Daddy" now but its not the full fledged responsibility yet.
Today had just been one of those days. Its Wednesday night, I came home, I excersized still had no idea what to cook for dinner, no money to really eat out as I have two checks out right now I am still waiting to go through and hoping maybe just maybe my pay check will hit my account first.
This is the struggle of almost every parent. Everything piles up. IT SUCKS. When all of this piles we snap. ... Well if you don't snap, your a saint in my book and I'd love to hear your tricks, because tonight, my tricks just aren't helping. They literally are not working. So I left the situation. I left because I am tired, and I am exasperated, and I just wanted to eat my damn dinner without listening to tears and the bitching of my 4 year old. I know a harsh word for a child's whine, but I'm being frank, and sometimes his whines just get to that point.
My exasperation climbed to the level of intolerance tonight, and so I decided to leave the situation before I really said, or did something I would regret.
One of the best things about children is that he wont remember this in a few weeks, and yet whenever I have a night like this I worry, I worry about how badly I am fucking up my kid. I worry that by yelling at him over something as stupid as orange chicken I am going to emotionally scar him for life. Someday this will come back and bite me in the butt. I mean how could it not? I also try to remind myself that I am human, and sometimes we all snap, and yelling at him is in the long run not as bad as what some parents do, and its always followed by a hug and an apology to him from me after I have had sometime to calm down and realize, but it still makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Like there is something broken inside of me.
I am a Mom, I am not perfect. It is okay to mess up, but I'm glad that tonight I left the situation. Sure maybe it was after little yelling, but I removed myself before it got way way worse. I love him, I suppose I should go remind him of that, and give him a snuggle.
Thanks for reading my rant.
