To the Twenty-something Mums

Did you see the blog post, your thirty something mom friends shared to facebook this week? Isn't it cute that they think they are only going to miss out on a decade of "being themselves"? Or maybe that's privilege they get for having had three decades to get to know themselves before seemingly giving up who they are to become a mom.

I read this post, despite the title. I thought surely this will apply to me too, most similar blog posts done make me feel like shit or make me want to scream (sure at myself). The other twenty-something mom's out there know what I'm talking about.

The Mom uses a pool reference, she talks about all the thirty somethings in the kiddie pool with their kids, while the shiny unknowing 20 somethings read magazines and sip on cool beverages without a care in the world.... To the 20 something moms who may have been mixed in with that crowd I SEE YOU your the one checking your phone not for Instagram, but to make sure you can make it pick your kid from Grandma's on time, and trying to enjoy your last thirty minutes with your friends in between the two jobs your working or the billion college classes to have a little you time. I SEE YOU I know that you don't get the privilege of self care and that you've chosen to spend that time with the friends who you rarely see, and even more rarely see without having to bring your kid.

Don't worry twenty-something mom who brought her kid to the pool with her. I SEE YOU too, you'r there with the thirty something moms. Your hyper focused on your kid because its much easier to be focused on your kid than being the odd mom out. The thirty something moms, don't see you. I see the way you ache in jealousy of them as they talk about their husbands, and their mortgage payments, and compare their $600 strollers that neither will admit doesn't make their life better. I see the way you hurt as you wonder if having a child so young will have harmed him, as you wonder if you'll be able to give your child the life they deserve, because so much of yourself still has to focus on the little day to day. The thirty something moms talk around you, and your kid plays with their kids not knowing whats going on, the moms they assume your in the same boat as them.

To the twenty something mom who works on home work while her infant nurses, rather than read a book or watch netflix I SEE YOU. (It really is amazing how we figure out that our child will fit between us and lap top to write a paper and how long our arms really are)

To the twenty something single mom who gets dresses up for a date on a Friday night and has to battle with herself about if its worth it to give up the three hours with her kid for a chance at a "real family". I SEE YOU. I also see your toddler who sits at your sink and "helps" you get ready, the Thirty Something Moms toddlers are down stairs with Dad watching TV while their moms get ready.

To the twenty-something Mom who is the only parent at pre-school with one kid, I SEE YOU. I know that you made the decision to space your kids farther out so you could "get your life together" before having another. I SEE YOU, I AM YOU.

By the time I am a thirty something Mom, I will have a child turn 10 years old. My supposed decade will be up. Yes I will also be a thirty something Mom with a pre school aged child. Two sides of the same coin.

Here is what I will never know, I won't know whats its like to spend my twenty's saying "I'll never be that Mom". I'll never know what its like to be turning 21 inside a bar. I won't know what its like to take a vacation with my girl friends.There is a lot that I won't know about what its like to be twenty something and unattached.

Here is what I do know, my first child will finish high school before I am one of the Forty-Something moms.

Occasionally I am asked why my husband and I didn't wait to get pregnant. *pokes 26 week pregnant belly* and I am amused. I didn't get the luxury of getting know my husband outside of the context of school friend, and straight from there to "will he make a good father" I didn't get the luxury of dating a guy for 10 months before learning he didn't want kids. HE never got to know me outside of the context of me being Mom, even at school that doesn't go away. So I tell them, "We dont get to just get to know each other until all of our kids are grown and out the house." ... We then have to hope they don't come back like I did.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is parenting is hard! It doesn't only last a decade and if you are a thirty something mom who read that blog post and went oh good I get to have my life back soon, your wrong. Little Pajama will always be the most important thing I've ever done in my life, and the thought of that ending after a decade (or even two!) is absolutely heart breaking.

Let's all try and be a little more inclusive in our parenting. Twenty Something Moms I meet when I am a Thirty Something Mom, I promise to try and ask you how you are, I promise to never judge you or not understand what your going through. I promise to see you, and talk to you, because I know how isolated you are. You've got this. I promise and just remember, your kids will be out the house before the thrity something moms kids will be!

Oh the Humanity

I mostly steer clear of hot button political issues. They aren't my thing, not for here anyways. This one I cant avoid, as a parent the emotions incidents of violence among youth have a greater effect on us. For some reason though my brain isn't going to be quiet until I get out my thoughts about this one. 

There was another school shooting today. About 20 mi from my home. I know people who live in the area, and knew people who went to that high school while I was in high school myself. This has little to do with the school or the timing, other than that these instances of school shootings, which many people describe as "sense less acts of violence" seem to be increasing. Its only been about 18 months since the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. Which I remember like yesterday, and there have been 74 shootings recorded in the United States. Clearly this is an issue. It is not something that as a parent I can ignore. My son goes to school with small children and maybe a total of 90 kids there at any given time between the ages of 3-5. The risk factor with his school is low, but I am about 18 months out from him hitting kindergarten and that scares the crap out of me. 

I never thought I would say this but if putting him a private school would gurantee he graduates from high school without a terrible act such as one of these occurring in his school, then it would be worth it. The scary thing is, it wouldn't be enough. We are less than a week out from the shooting at Seattle Pacific University as well. I am sad for everyone affected by all of the school shootings in history. The truth is though, we can't protect our children from this kind of violence. I know how hopeless that statement may seem to you, but I want to assure you, I do not mean it to be. 

I think the hope has to lie in that we have some control over our children, and what they have access to, but more importantly how they interpurt the world around them and interact with it. I do not want little Pajama living in fear because I placed him in a box. I do not want to deny him video games (he plays age appropriate ones), or any of the other things that some theorize may turn him violent. We NEED to teach our children COMPASSION, we need to teach them MORALS, we need to LISTEN to them even when they ARE NOT TALKING. We need to advocate for our kids, and teach them to be THEIR OWN BIGGEST ADVOCATE.  Just yesterday I put the little Pajama into time out because he was trying to kick the ball out of the dogs mouth. He genuinely didn't realize he could hurt the dog, and I watched him as he realized he could have, and I think he learned his lesson. That was the point, to teach him that the behavior was unacceptable and that it is not okay to cause harm to others. Shielding our children wont solve the problem. Talking to our children about gun safety can help, but even more helpful, we need to LOCK up our guns and not give children access to them without proper supervision for the right kinds of activities. I don not want Americans to lose their right to bear arms. I do want there to be stricter more stringent tests a person must pass to have the right to do so, if this stopped the deaths of children who had their entire lives ahead of them, then wouldn't it be worth it? Maybe I have to much faith in humanity, but conservatives and their attachments to their guns to protect themselves is not something I personally understand. Being able to protect yourself is one thing, but even better would be avoiding situations in which you feel you need to protect yourself.

Another thing I only just recently realized is that these shooters apparently often do this to find fame. To be remembered, how does that get skewed that badly in their minds. I am not sure how the media can solve this problem, but maybe some different tactics are in order. 

I'm confused as many others are. I'm sad like many others. And I am SCARED. Like many others, but I will wake up tomorrow and continue to the best I can to assure the world that I will not raise the sort of person who could ever commit an act like this. How? I'll make it up as I go along, but it will mostly involve me being there for them, teaching them whats right from wrong, and how to stand up for themselves. I will try and lift my children up above any negativity they may get from peers. I seize TEACHABLE moments. I will do all of this doing the one thing above all else may help, I will do it with LOVE. There just simply isnt enough of it in the world, and I will try and teach my children to put love out into the world. 

Now for a story about little Pajama. The evening that Sandy Hook happend I sat on the couch, and the news was on and I cried, quiet tears that steamed down my face without drawing attention. Pajama was only two at the time and he of course noticed. He reached his hand up to my tears on my cheek and looked horribly concerned. He had barely begun to talk in sentences. "Mama whats wrong?" He asked I could head the dread in his voice. I told him the best I could that a bad man had hurt many children, and I was very sad for the children and their families. I would like to think I taught him in that moment, rather than shielded him from the cruelty of the world. 

I dont know. I am sad, its late. Were all confused and I hope that this issue slows, no more school shootings.