To the Twenty-something Mums

Did you see the blog post, your thirty something mom friends shared to facebook this week? Isn't it cute that they think they are only going to miss out on a decade of "being themselves"? Or maybe that's privilege they get for having had three decades to get to know themselves before seemingly giving up who they are to become a mom.

I read this post, despite the title. I thought surely this will apply to me too, most similar blog posts done make me feel like shit or make me want to scream (sure at myself). The other twenty-something mom's out there know what I'm talking about.

The Mom uses a pool reference, she talks about all the thirty somethings in the kiddie pool with their kids, while the shiny unknowing 20 somethings read magazines and sip on cool beverages without a care in the world.... To the 20 something moms who may have been mixed in with that crowd I SEE YOU your the one checking your phone not for Instagram, but to make sure you can make it pick your kid from Grandma's on time, and trying to enjoy your last thirty minutes with your friends in between the two jobs your working or the billion college classes to have a little you time. I SEE YOU I know that you don't get the privilege of self care and that you've chosen to spend that time with the friends who you rarely see, and even more rarely see without having to bring your kid.

Don't worry twenty-something mom who brought her kid to the pool with her. I SEE YOU too, you'r there with the thirty something moms. Your hyper focused on your kid because its much easier to be focused on your kid than being the odd mom out. The thirty something moms, don't see you. I see the way you ache in jealousy of them as they talk about their husbands, and their mortgage payments, and compare their $600 strollers that neither will admit doesn't make their life better. I see the way you hurt as you wonder if having a child so young will have harmed him, as you wonder if you'll be able to give your child the life they deserve, because so much of yourself still has to focus on the little day to day. The thirty something moms talk around you, and your kid plays with their kids not knowing whats going on, the moms they assume your in the same boat as them.

To the twenty something mom who works on home work while her infant nurses, rather than read a book or watch netflix I SEE YOU. (It really is amazing how we figure out that our child will fit between us and lap top to write a paper and how long our arms really are)

To the twenty something single mom who gets dresses up for a date on a Friday night and has to battle with herself about if its worth it to give up the three hours with her kid for a chance at a "real family". I SEE YOU. I also see your toddler who sits at your sink and "helps" you get ready, the Thirty Something Moms toddlers are down stairs with Dad watching TV while their moms get ready.

To the twenty-something Mom who is the only parent at pre-school with one kid, I SEE YOU. I know that you made the decision to space your kids farther out so you could "get your life together" before having another. I SEE YOU, I AM YOU.

By the time I am a thirty something Mom, I will have a child turn 10 years old. My supposed decade will be up. Yes I will also be a thirty something Mom with a pre school aged child. Two sides of the same coin.

Here is what I will never know, I won't know whats its like to spend my twenty's saying "I'll never be that Mom". I'll never know what its like to be turning 21 inside a bar. I won't know what its like to take a vacation with my girl friends.There is a lot that I won't know about what its like to be twenty something and unattached.

Here is what I do know, my first child will finish high school before I am one of the Forty-Something moms.

Occasionally I am asked why my husband and I didn't wait to get pregnant. *pokes 26 week pregnant belly* and I am amused. I didn't get the luxury of getting know my husband outside of the context of school friend, and straight from there to "will he make a good father" I didn't get the luxury of dating a guy for 10 months before learning he didn't want kids. HE never got to know me outside of the context of me being Mom, even at school that doesn't go away. So I tell them, "We dont get to just get to know each other until all of our kids are grown and out the house." ... We then have to hope they don't come back like I did.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is parenting is hard! It doesn't only last a decade and if you are a thirty something mom who read that blog post and went oh good I get to have my life back soon, your wrong. Little Pajama will always be the most important thing I've ever done in my life, and the thought of that ending after a decade (or even two!) is absolutely heart breaking.

Let's all try and be a little more inclusive in our parenting. Twenty Something Moms I meet when I am a Thirty Something Mom, I promise to try and ask you how you are, I promise to never judge you or not understand what your going through. I promise to see you, and talk to you, because I know how isolated you are. You've got this. I promise and just remember, your kids will be out the house before the thrity something moms kids will be!

The Only Parent Conundrum

          I decided that rather than sharing adorable stories from the little one and I's week, it might be a good idea to delve into well, what my parenting situation actually is. People don't seem to actually understand, and it has lead to some awkward conversations. It is not uncommon for these conversations to occur with strangers, which honestly might make them all that much more strange (the conversations that is).
          One of the best parts about meeting new people is that fantastic point in conversation when they decide its okay to get all up in my business about my kiddos dad. I will sum up this conversation for you, usually they will say something about his dad, which leads to me awkwardly shuffling my feet, and launching into a near immediate explanation. "Oh well his dad isn't involved in our lives" has become the clipped short and to the point explanation I now offer strangers who comment on how his dad must be a blonde, or make other assumptions. It happens often enough though that I get to give this explanation instead. "Well his dad isn't involved in our lives, and for all intensive purposes he doesn't actually know about him, so I am not a single parent, I actually consider myself an only parent." This is usually followed by some sort of concern on their part, or scorn as they judge whether or not I am a horrible person. I then usually get to tell them something along the lines of the abridged history of my relationship with his father and why it lead to me making the decision to not involve him for the sake of everyone (including his own).
         It bothers me that I continually have to explain this. It's beginning to stop now that I have the boy friend. In fact we had the kiddo with us on a beach trip a few weekends ago and I completely allowed the lady at the ice cream counter to be mistaken about him being both my husband and the kiddos father. I know it seems like such a silly thing, but it also may have been the beginning of letting go of a small piece of what has been a core part of my identity the last 4 years. While people often seem to want me to be ashamed of the choices I made concerning my son and the fact that I haven't involved his father in our lives, I am PROUD of that choice, and I have never regretted it. I think many more young single mothers would be much better off if they had the strength to make the choice. For me the choice was pretty easy, his father and I ended up on opposite coasts before I even knew I was pregnant. There were a plethora of other factors as well, but for the intensive purposes of privacy and not completely boring you, I won't elaborate on that story any more. However if you ever want to ask me about it, I prefer to talk about it over a nice cold beer.
          I started to talk about how being this only parent has become a part of my identity, I know our kids become a part of our identity no matter the situation. It's a strange sensation when that piece of your identity and how you identify your family starts to change. For a previously married couple I'd imagine that would come with a divorce. Or a single parent who like me is starting a journey with someone and welcoming them into life bit by bit. I am lucky in that this progression has been so natural. My son has never not adored my boyfriend (Okay in all fairness he knew from the get go that he worked at the zoo, so that gave him major points even before he was the guy hanging around with mom a lot.) the natural way he has always liked my boyfriend helped me to make sure I knew this guy I've been seeing for over half a year now was really worth it. This half a year and growing into our roles and a different sort of family identity have been amazing, but I do find I spend time mourning things I never really noticed, or before were always just a silly preference that made sense. (My son completely clings to his Auntie, I am pretty sure if she could she'd give him a mountain of vanilla ice cream and a new puppy every time she saw him so I can't blame him one bit.) It's different though when it is someone I am essentially saying here, this has been a part of my identity since I brought this child into the world and I'm giving up this piece of me for the sake of growing our family. My heart melted a bit the first time he said that he loved him to me, and even more the first time he said he was beginning to really feel like a Dad. I wasn't on that page yet (sorry honey but I wasn't but I loved it a lot) I'm catching up and its more of a tug of war than I realized it would be. I'm beginning to not feel like a single mom.
          I am beginning to not feel like a single mom. I had to say it again because that's how much it freaks me out. The loss of self, and the giving up of control in an entirely different sort of way. It's entirely different to fall in love with someone when you have a child, there is so much guarding of hearts that has to happen. It actually feels pretty good to be able to relax a bit, and welcome the help, and emotional support. I know he's not there yet completely but he's getting there. The three of us are coming together and were figuring it out, and its beautiful and as I figure out my feelings its been a bit (well okay a lot) messy, but that's life and I wouldn't have it any other way.