Leaving the Situation

November SUCKS. There I said it. Maybe I'm the only one thinking it. Seriously though even without all the pressures that I have had this month, I'm pretty sure I would come to that same conclusion. Its that time between Halloween and Christmas. And getting ready for Thanksgiving which in some circles is a bigger deal than Christmas.
So here's a moments for something I am thankful for: I am thankful for being a Mom. I am thankful for my son.
I can be thankful for my son and still want to scream at him. This coexisting of conflicting emotions always ends badly. Having a pre school aged child is hard. Having a preschool aged child, with all of the financial responsibility, with all of dropping off responsibility, with all of the reading and snuggling and being calm and nurturing every moment as a single mom is, extra hard.
Yes he has a "Daddy" now but its not the full fledged responsibility yet.
Today had just been one of those days. Its Wednesday night, I came home, I excersized still had no idea what to cook for dinner, no money to really eat out as I have two checks out right now I am still waiting to go through and hoping maybe just maybe my pay check will hit my account first.
This is the struggle of almost every parent. Everything piles up. IT SUCKS. When all of this piles we snap. ... Well if you don't snap, your a saint in my book and I'd love to hear your tricks, because tonight, my tricks just aren't helping. They literally are not working. So I left the situation. I left because I am tired, and I am exasperated, and I just wanted to eat my damn dinner without listening to tears and the bitching of my 4 year old. I know a harsh word for a child's whine, but I'm being frank, and sometimes his whines just get to that point.
My exasperation climbed to the level of intolerance tonight, and so I decided to leave the situation before I really said, or did something I would regret.
One of the best things about children is that he wont remember this in a few weeks, and yet whenever I have a night like this I worry, I worry about how badly I am fucking up my kid. I worry that by yelling at him over something as stupid as orange chicken I am going to emotionally scar him for life. Someday this will come back and bite me in the butt. I mean how could it not? I also try to remind myself that I am human, and sometimes we all snap, and yelling at him is in the long run not as bad as what some parents do, and its always followed by a hug and an apology to him from me after I have had sometime to calm down and realize, but it still makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Like there is something broken inside of me.

I am a Mom, I am not perfect. It is okay to mess up, but I'm glad that tonight I left the situation. Sure maybe it was after little yelling, but I removed myself before it got way way worse. I love him, I suppose I should go remind him of that, and give him a snuggle.

Thanks for reading my rant.

"Mom I don't like anything you cook."

Kids can be total jerks. Don't get me wrong, little pajama is my main squeeze, but man does he ever drive me crazy. I mean this is normal he's 4.. right this is normal?
The thing is for last 6... 8 I don't even know how many weeks its been and him on Sundays. Which is great I love to have my Mommy and PJ time. Its also really hard. We have a third person living with us now, little pajamas soccer games were so expertly times that nothing was getting done around the house on Saturday's. Which hello you have Sunday and evenings to clean your house just relax on Saturday. Which is unfortumately what was happening, that and life is BUSY. I never realized how busy little lives are until I had my little PJ even from an early age. And of course it means that we get to spend time doing all of the wonderful things from my childhood that I love and miss. Pumpkin patch of course! (Good bye entire last Sunday (guess whose house didn't get cleaned!)) Weddings to go to. Life to live you know.

Thats the thing though through all that life that was being done living, I had managed to get a nice home cooked meal on my table for my family, every Sunday night. Now I'm not religious, so Sunday has nothing to do with that, but there's something cathartic about spending a few hours putting in real effort to make your family a nice meal. Better than the weeknight meals that get sloppily thrown together, but are still none the less home made if not to a lesser degree.

Little PJ is SMALL. He is almost 5 and I think he clocks in around 34lbs right now, hes all muscle and bone. He's healthy but after nearly 12 months of nutritionist visits and monthly weigh ins when he was younger it is ingrained my brain that is (almost) never a bad thing if this kid is recieving calories. And striving to be a good mother means I want to feed that kid, I want him to grow and catch up and be where he needs to be. Its not always as simple as all of that, (This largely played into why PJ was breast fed until he was 2.5 but that's another topic.) I learned how to calorie load my child and make sure that he gets the nutrition he needs. lots of dairy and as much protein as I can get in him. (I know my kid is not the only nearly vegetarian child out there. Kids don't like to eat meat because it is so hard to chew. yada yada yada pediatric nutritionist wisdom. this was how I originally learned to not beat myself up over it when he doesnt eat every single thing I cook.

Last nights Sunday night dinner took a turn for the miserable.  It was simple, I had made chicken on saturday inbetween my much needed neglected cleaning from the previous week. I made chicken stock and picked the bones, and made gravy all for the sake of Sunday night dinner. Chicken and dumplings. They were delicious. Can you think of a more kid friendly meal? He loves my chicken (usually) and it was delicious and flavorful soup. The dumplings were fluffy and soft and just the right amount of doughy. Honestly its a faily simple not surprising meal.

He said my dumplings looked like poop. And he said he no longer likes my cooking. It was worse than getting shot in the heart. We had guests. I lost it a reasonable amount but my anger was nothing compared to how heart broken it made me. (Which is probably somewhat guilty for the night that followed after he went to bed, Hello mommy's little helper #OneBadMother ).

Yet like the never giving up Mom that I am on a quest to have a healthy kid, who is open to eating things, I made dinner again tonight. Monday, it was boring and he ate some of it. Its frusterating. I guess the difference lies somewhere in this... When I cook a meal I dont expect him to like my feelings arent hurt. So why do I let myself get so badly bummed over a meal he should like but then doesnt eat.

Just for the record, I did make him Annie's microwave mac and cheese last night so he didnt starve (Thanks Annies) but it hurt no less. This is really just more thing on the pile. Moms out there, your doing a good job, if you know a Mom, make sure she knows it. If you know a parent make sure they know they are doing a good job. Were all trying, and when it really comes down to it all we really need is a little outside confirmation that people see that we are trying, that our efforts are recognized, that it isnt all for nothing.

And, now I need to go roll out green cookie dough so that tomorrow we can decorate zombie cookies. This is life, he is four, I do not blame him, but it makes it no less difficult sometimes.

So to myself I silently remind myself, that I am doing a good job. And if I'm not every given second, that is okay, because the fact that I am trying, and doing my best, means, I am doing a good job.

Summer What's That? And Moving With a Four Year Old??

This is the first summer in a long time where I have an actual schedule I can't manipulate around home work schedules and my own desires. Being a working Mom isn't easy. Its easier than being a broke Mom, but its been particularly hard since Little Pajama has been out of the preschool for the summer. Not only has he been out of school but our weekend's have been chalk full of things we've had to do.

This is mostly why I haven't had a chance to chronicle the misadventures of Little Pajama and I lately. I've been busy and exhausted. No more are summers left to the whims of a bicycle and whatever adventure I want to take. Every time I whine just a little everyone likes to warn me I likely wont have another completely free weekend until I am old and decrepit. I guess I will start having to say "no". This is one of those words that we forget is important. Sometimes you just need to say hey world, no I'm not going to put on real pants this weekend, no I am not going to put on a bra. Also if I dont feel like brushing my hair, guess what I'm not going to!

Unfortunately though there is SO much that I need to get done. There have been some pretty major highlights to this summer so here are a few.

• The bf and I celebrated our one year! It's fantastic and we couldn't be happier. 
• Little Pajama has started with the "D" word. My man is officially known as Daddy, and I couldnt be happier about it. Sure it scares me a bit but I am happy that they came to this place mostly on their own. They are pretty much the cutest boys in the world so I'm glad they get to be adorable together. 
• WE MOVED! The man and little pajama and I now are renting our very own 3 bedroom dwelling. Little man has his own bathroom, and bed room. We have an office/ guest room. 

This is probably the biggest and most exciting thing to have come from this summer. Its a big step for us, but its wonderful and we are so excited to get to start this next chapter. There are a few different things I'd like to do to make sure I am raising a happy healthy little pajama and I am hoping that this is the best time to start enacting some of these stratgies. Stay tuned to see what works and doesnt work for us as I am sure there will be hilarity to ensue. Maybe also some great things that workd for us and some fails that didnt work so well... After all part of being a mom is getting to share your triumphs and having an ability to laugh at your failures is a good thing that works too. 

One of the most important steps we took in this move was making sure Little Pajama had some say in things. We let him pick the paint color for his accent wall (sort of he insisted on dark blue, so I had to put my foot down.) I started him a donate bin (which we will hopefully be able to take at least part of to a womans shelter.) He was horribly unwilling to put anything in the donate bin at the begining but by the end he started to realize that these toys were going to go to kids that would hopefully actually appreciate them. Toys he wanted to keep go placed inside of boxes for the new place. 

Another thing that helped was that he got to go out of town with his grandparents during moving day, and then again for most of the unpacking (HELLO SUMMER!) Were all still unpacking some of the smaller stuff, but were also still adjusting. Over all though he seems excited about the new place, and that's whats important to me. In fact we have some unpacking of his toys to do today because I felt it important for him to get to unpack what he originally packed. 

I guess I better get to work. Hopefully I'll have another update up soon. 

Oh the Humanity

I mostly steer clear of hot button political issues. They aren't my thing, not for here anyways. This one I cant avoid, as a parent the emotions incidents of violence among youth have a greater effect on us. For some reason though my brain isn't going to be quiet until I get out my thoughts about this one. 

There was another school shooting today. About 20 mi from my home. I know people who live in the area, and knew people who went to that high school while I was in high school myself. This has little to do with the school or the timing, other than that these instances of school shootings, which many people describe as "sense less acts of violence" seem to be increasing. Its only been about 18 months since the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. Which I remember like yesterday, and there have been 74 shootings recorded in the United States. Clearly this is an issue. It is not something that as a parent I can ignore. My son goes to school with small children and maybe a total of 90 kids there at any given time between the ages of 3-5. The risk factor with his school is low, but I am about 18 months out from him hitting kindergarten and that scares the crap out of me. 

I never thought I would say this but if putting him a private school would gurantee he graduates from high school without a terrible act such as one of these occurring in his school, then it would be worth it. The scary thing is, it wouldn't be enough. We are less than a week out from the shooting at Seattle Pacific University as well. I am sad for everyone affected by all of the school shootings in history. The truth is though, we can't protect our children from this kind of violence. I know how hopeless that statement may seem to you, but I want to assure you, I do not mean it to be. 

I think the hope has to lie in that we have some control over our children, and what they have access to, but more importantly how they interpurt the world around them and interact with it. I do not want little Pajama living in fear because I placed him in a box. I do not want to deny him video games (he plays age appropriate ones), or any of the other things that some theorize may turn him violent. We NEED to teach our children COMPASSION, we need to teach them MORALS, we need to LISTEN to them even when they ARE NOT TALKING. We need to advocate for our kids, and teach them to be THEIR OWN BIGGEST ADVOCATE.  Just yesterday I put the little Pajama into time out because he was trying to kick the ball out of the dogs mouth. He genuinely didn't realize he could hurt the dog, and I watched him as he realized he could have, and I think he learned his lesson. That was the point, to teach him that the behavior was unacceptable and that it is not okay to cause harm to others. Shielding our children wont solve the problem. Talking to our children about gun safety can help, but even more helpful, we need to LOCK up our guns and not give children access to them without proper supervision for the right kinds of activities. I don not want Americans to lose their right to bear arms. I do want there to be stricter more stringent tests a person must pass to have the right to do so, if this stopped the deaths of children who had their entire lives ahead of them, then wouldn't it be worth it? Maybe I have to much faith in humanity, but conservatives and their attachments to their guns to protect themselves is not something I personally understand. Being able to protect yourself is one thing, but even better would be avoiding situations in which you feel you need to protect yourself.

Another thing I only just recently realized is that these shooters apparently often do this to find fame. To be remembered, how does that get skewed that badly in their minds. I am not sure how the media can solve this problem, but maybe some different tactics are in order. 

I'm confused as many others are. I'm sad like many others. And I am SCARED. Like many others, but I will wake up tomorrow and continue to the best I can to assure the world that I will not raise the sort of person who could ever commit an act like this. How? I'll make it up as I go along, but it will mostly involve me being there for them, teaching them whats right from wrong, and how to stand up for themselves. I will try and lift my children up above any negativity they may get from peers. I seize TEACHABLE moments. I will do all of this doing the one thing above all else may help, I will do it with LOVE. There just simply isnt enough of it in the world, and I will try and teach my children to put love out into the world. 

Now for a story about little Pajama. The evening that Sandy Hook happend I sat on the couch, and the news was on and I cried, quiet tears that steamed down my face without drawing attention. Pajama was only two at the time and he of course noticed. He reached his hand up to my tears on my cheek and looked horribly concerned. He had barely begun to talk in sentences. "Mama whats wrong?" He asked I could head the dread in his voice. I told him the best I could that a bad man had hurt many children, and I was very sad for the children and their families. I would like to think I taught him in that moment, rather than shielded him from the cruelty of the world. 

I dont know. I am sad, its late. Were all confused and I hope that this issue slows, no more school shootings. 

The Big Adjustment

Well this one has been coming. And is a good 3 weeks over due. I apologize it really has been an adjustment for everyone.

Recently (the last day of March) I got to make a big change in not only my life, but for the wearer of little pajamas as well (lately its been little bat man pajamas). After searching for close to a year for full time employment, I finally got a job. The awesome adult kind with regualr hours, a 401k and benefits. I suppose many Mom's have these things long before becoming a Mom, and many leave them behind to be a Mom. I applaud those women, also where does your husband work and will they hire mine (well okay so he's not my husband)?

I got to enjoy 4 years of most of my days being with him. I went to school for about 3.5 of those years, and I got to do some contract work from home, but it wasn't paying the bills. I've been pretty anxious to establish financial stability for me and the little man since day one, but I knew it was only ever going to be possible with a degree. I sacrificed the degree I wanted for the degree that made sense. The one that allowed me to move home, for us to have the support and shelter of his grandparents, and even more importantly that I would finish quickly and become employable. Don't get me wrong I think about going back, but after 6 years of higher education that only accumulated into a AAS and a certificate, I'm a bit burnt out. Not to mention the loans.

Ahh the bills, as far as adjustments go that one has been easy to make. Money is going into his college fund, paying off my loans, and being spent on fun things left and right, all while still managing to save up to be able to move out. Me and my boys! I really am impatient and terrified by the prospect, but I know its exciting. I know little pajama is too. (Were still warming up to the D word, but its been uttered a few times.)

The adjustment from essentially being a student mom to a work from home mom was fantastic. While being a student he did go to day care, which I dont regret, and I expect any future children will go a few days a week as well. The real point is I use to get to be home with him MOST of the time. Now for 45 hours a week plus commute time I am not with him, and leaves us little weekday time for all the things we love to do.

I miss him and I am missing out on a lot, but the fact remains, there is a huge stress taken out of my life by having a good stable, living wage income. I am lucky enough to work for a big, yet very family oriented company, and a small department within it so I am able to run off for long lunches for Pre school functions and things of that nature when the occasion arises. Over all though I am on the cusp of thriving as a well adjusted, fairly successful young adult and single Mom. Mind you this is largely my perception of the situation versus what my own situation was, but I am proud of where I have gotten and I know its the best thing for me and the little man even if it means less time for us.

Its been harder on him. Schedules are different, he gets drug around more by grandma and grandpa. He is picked up and dropped off now by Grandma at preschool. I miss knowing whats going on, but he does like to tell me. He rarely naps now, I miss napping with him, in our chair. The most relaxing thing in the world is to have a sleeping child curled in your lap. (Its also a good excuse to take a nap your self or read a book).

I guess most importantly though the real point is we are adjusting. Mommy is a bit more tired, and cranky, but he wakes up shortly after me most mornings. I hear him sit at the top of the stairs babbling to the cat until I open the door and take him back down stairs. This means he gets to watch Curious George on a regular basis (This wasn't a part of the morning line up previously because it was ending as we got down stairs.) Despite me being uttlerly exhausted (Its gotten a little better) were doing okay. I miss the time with him, but luckily he is getting to spend this time with his Granparents before we move out.

The part of my day though usually goes like this as I get home "So, how was work?" his sweet little voice meets my ears, and I tell him about what I did, and ask about pre school. I' mfinding that this adjustment like with many others is all about finding a balance, and making sure the time we do get to spend together is of the best quality. I know were both still getting use to things, but we've both come a long way in the last two months, and I know things will get even better. I am lucky to have such a well adjusted kid, who can handle change even better than I give him credit for

This gem is from Memorial day, making the best out of our three day weekend, even though we were stuck in the car part of the afternoon. Sometime I will have to write about Tiger. Yes that's its name. 

Muddling Through Whats Best for the Kid

I think one of the universal truths for all parents is that we want to do the very best thing for our children. I think even the parents who don't seem to care they at least WANT to do the best thing.
I hate this term, and I hate that I adhere to it completely by nature, but I am going to out myself. I largely adhere to attachment parenting. This meant that my little PJ slept with me nightly for three years of his life, and still comes into my bed most nights, and he nursed until he was 2 and half, now that puts many parents to shame, but it also isn't nearly as long as some mothers choose to nurse. If your going to judge me or anyone for that, JUST DON'T IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. We are all just trying to do the best we can though


...Well sigh, I got distracted while writing that. And now that its a week later, I will get to the point, and refocus this post. (me focus HAHAHA)
Last Friday, my little man had to get some dental work done. He has soft enamel. On top of that my allowing him to breast feed for a somewhat extended period of time didn't help. I brushed his teeth (most of the time) but he had to have something fixed on each of his teeth. The good news is that the work done ended up being much less serious than they have anticipated. It was still time consuming and they put him under general anesthesia for the procedure.

It was by far the scariest decision I have had to make for him. It took a lot of weighing logic versus comfort versus common sense. I ultimately decided it wouldn't be worth it to make him go in for 6 different visits, and likely ruining his enjoyment of going to the dentist in the process. We had to do the continual visits to the doctors for nearly a year while he was diagnosed failure to thrive. It wasnt easy, by the time we were done with that he hated the scale. He's much better about it now two years later (also two years without monthly visits to the doctors for weigh ins).

I think as a parent one of the hardest things is trusting your intuition. My little PJ was absolutely fine, and I am ultimately pleased with the decision I made, but I did my research and made sure I trusted the doctors who were involved. I was lucky to have people who supported my decision and tried to support me. Thats whats the most important, there is so much internal second guessing that happens with me (and I would imagine most parents) when it comes to the health of our children so anyone who makes that more difficult (who has very little actual regard for the child) should be banned from life. Judging people for the tough decisions they make will never make them feel better. Ultimately you have to follow your gut and hope that the path is clear.

In other news BRUSH YOUR KIDS TEETH AND TAKE THEM TO THE DENTIST!!! Man its expensive to not.... I know theres a straw in the way (for chocolate milk) but they are so much smoother now that they dont have patches of enamel missing. He did so well and I am so proud of him!

The Unlisted Public Play Rules for the Big People

Sorry this post is going up so late in the week. The last few weeks have been complete chaos. I finally started my new job, and there will be a blog post about my adjustment to a 8-5 from working at home soon. I feel it was too early for that as I don't really know for sure how either of us is adjusting yet, other than that I am dead tired. I've racked my brain all week trying to figure out what I felt the need to discuss when inspiration came this evening.

It was not a normal Thursday. I worked all day, and then rushed home so I could accompany my little P to soccer practice. Which was typical, but due to the weather we kept it short as it was drizzly rainy and in general a little cold this week. My sister and her husband bought all of us dinner though, at a pretty cool, but sadly very busy kid friendly pub. Over all my experience was good. Little PJ had a great time.

I however cant seem to relax. In their kids play space in a few different corners of different dining areas they have toys, most of which are perfect for a preschool or early elementary age child. There are rules posted near by. I made sure Powell followed them, as his Mom that's just one of the many ways I can protect him. Follow the rules, stay safe be kind and courteous. The issue wasn't with the rules, they were there to keep everyone safe, probably including the waiters. Two rules really, don't climb and walk. I suppose there were probably others but those seemed to be the issue. Unfortunately for us, it happened to be a night that a local lacrosse club must have decided they all needed to be there. Everyone other than us seemed to know everyone else. Of course all these kids seemed way ages out of the preschool aged toys my, huh 4 year old was playing with. I believe I saw board games and other things in the lobby that could be brought to tables for older children. As the group of loud and very large children congregated where my son was playing, I of course kept my distance, but kept a watchful eye. I had to, because if one of those kids had tried even once to tease my child, or for a second I thought he was in danger it was time to put a stop to it.

As the group of children grew, so did the loud group of parents who managed to be conveniently located in-between me and where my child was playing. I managed to maintain my line of sight however and just ignored it. After a bit of the big kids running from play place to play place the waitress told them to stop running, twice. Not even ONE of their parents spoke up, where they all just that out of tune? Will someday feel like I can check out that much while my kid plays with his friends. I hope the answer is no. If for no other reason than its highly disrespectful to the people who have to keep telling your child to stop, not to mention to the other parents who are around who don't necessarily feel safe while our child is near your unruly child. I guess the fact that they were having a beer is not a good enough excuse to me for these parents to check out, neither is not wanting to embarrass their children in front of their peers. I discussed this with my parents while we sat at the table. One father, rather than scolding his child when the WAITRESS told the big kids they needed to stop climbing, when he heard us complaining about it turned to me, a tiny little 24 year old single mom and goes "Is there a problem?" He was the big A type personality father and I felt intimidated so all I said was "No" and shook my head innocently. (I then went and pulled the plug on Powell playing in that area because I was feeling increasingly less comfortable with him playing over there, they were rocking one of the fisher price kitchens, and climbing on walls, if the kitchen hadn't fallen on Powell he was likely to get a shoe to the face so I pulled the plug) Inside my head while telling this father there wasn't a problem I was actually screaming "Yes I don't feel like my small child is safe because no one is making those children follow the rules, and I really don't need a rendition of Lord of the Flies to play out in this pub while I watch!"... Sigh NEXT TIME I will say something like that. Also why can't kids just naturally read the rules posted on the wall and follow them?  I suppose because their parents never taught them too. Rules are there for a reason.