The Pumping Chronicles #4

"My success as a mother is not measured in ounces." ... Work Pump Repeat taught me that little mantra. And boy oh boy is it helpful....

I hate wasting a $0.25 bag (aka the good ones my mom who watches baby pajamas can hook the nipple to) on 3 ounces of milk. ...3 measly ounces. Sometimes I wonder if its worth the stress and pain. But then I repeat the mantra and I remind myself that to have supply you must have demand. If that's not true with breast feeding its not true with anything.

Sigh I need a beer. And some oat meal... (To increase my supply duh...and cause beer)

The Pumping Chronicles #3

I just want to rant (okay maybe rage for a second). About breastfeeding. ... I'm going to admit it, I LOVE breastfeeding my kids (right now its just the baby obviously so chill). I LOVE that I am able to breastfeed my baby. I LOVE that baby pajamas has never had even an ounce of formula. And want to know something else? I'm fucking PROUD of myself for being able to stick through the hard work.

Let me let you in on a little secret, breastfeeding isnt easy. Its also not for everyone and I totally understand that, I also totally understand that milk dries up early, and shit happens that may have ryined your plans to breastfeed. I recognize that it's shitty and that it was probably really sad for you.... So here comes a fucking truth bomb...

When little pajamas was a baby it was all "BREAST IS BEST!" All the time. Now I have baby pajamas, and whole breastfeeding is still considered the best, suddenly I have to tread lightly when talking about that success, because that rhetoric is so strong that people feel bad about using formula... Can we all please stop fucking shaming each other for our damn parenting choices??? I want to be able to celebrate my breastfeeding success and talk about my breastfeeding goals without feeling like when I post a picture of my freezer stash I may be hurting my friends, if it does hurt you, let me know! Ill probably offer you some to give your baby.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but there has been so much pride lately for formula feedinf mothers, and that's awesome. However of your breast feeding, or pumping, or exclusively pumping GOOD FOR YOU. Its amazing that we can give this gift to our babies isnt it? Itsnt it great to not have to buy formula? Isnt it convenient to not have to bring bottles with us everywhere unless we choose to? Be proud of yourself and your baby no matter what you are feeding it. You are all doing a good job!!

And hey just incase you care ( I want you to care!) I am about half way to my goal with baby pajamas. He's 9 months and id love to make it to 18!

The Pumping Chronicles #1

I am pumping right now. Isn't modern medicine pretty amazing. I get to work full time and have an infant. Yay America... Obviously I'm joking. I have several draft posts from the last 7.5 months of being a mom of two, and I just havent had the where with all to finish them.

This week at work I had an opportunity for some training that can really advance my career so of course I took it. Only problem, up until last week I had been pumping 3 times a day still. I am so relieved I have had success pumping with baby pajamas, since it didnt happen at all with little pajamas. Daddy Pajamas has been instrumental to our success breastfeeding with this second baby.

But I cant help but think about how much of my time I'm spending attached to my pump and not my baby. I love that I can provide for him and it saves us money, but what benefits are we losing out on from not actual breast feeding all the time?

I have to go to much greater lenghts to keep my supply up. I constantly worry about it and it means letting him eat as much as he wants all night long. ... Long story short now that baby pajamas is eating more solids I'm finally decreasing down to twice a day. And this week I'm only getting in once a day. Its hard, and I just keep reminding myself he's worth it and wete saving so much money on formula.

Pump, I both love and hate you.

Nursery Reveal!

With this being my second pregnancy I've pretty much been nesting to some degree since week 15 of this second pregnancy. Tomorrow we will be into week 36, and then full term baby! So really Baby Pajamas could be making his debut anytime... Like really anytime. I'm hoping he still hangs in there until October though, it just seems like a fun month to have a birthday.

This pregnancy in general though isn't the intent of this post. Being in our new home and being able to give Baby Pajamas his own room has meant a lot of hours spent on his nursery, many trips to Ikea, Target and Joann fabrics because I've gotten to DIY quite a bit of his nursery. I've often contemplated a sister blog to this one or a the occasional post here show casing how to's on some of my projects.

 

Note the wall. I can name every mountain range on that feature wall. My sister was nice enough to help me it took hours of blending paints, and sketching each range or mountain. I laid them all out in CAD on a grid of the wall and then transposed it up onto the wall. It was a fun project, and is by far my favorite thing in the room, at least until Baby Pajamas comes! :) We were lucky I have hung on to quite a few of the larger things of Little Pajamas, so were reusing his crib. Hopefully we will get a new mattress for it before he is sleeping in there on a regular basis though. 

See the awesome corner shelves?? My super awesome step father in law made those for us totally custom with reclaimed barn wood from his grand fathers barn. Meaning they came from Little / Baby's GREAT GREAT step grandparents barn... Which I think is just so cool and special! Check out the mountain range shelf below, he made this for us too. Its so beautiful and we've definitely been super spoiled! I am so grateful for everything that our families have given up and helped with in making this room the perfect oasis I have imagined. 

The glider has had many an hour spend in it with Little Pajama and I am so grateful that I hung onto it so many more snugly memories could be made in it. It may be hard to tell, but the picture on the wall up there is from the My Brother My Brother and Me tour in the PNW last summer (2015 when we couldn't be there because we were in Yellowstone), it was a candle nights gift from my sister, and I was waiting for the perfect spot to put it, Baby's nursery ended up fitting the bill, of course, we weren't pregnant when I received it. 

The mint curtains were sewed and one of the last things I finished up before I felt ready to share his nursery with all of you. The white blanket keeps with the neutrals in the room, and I love the pop of orange the fox pillow provides, the blanket, reading light, and blue storage trunk are from Ikea, and the pillow is from Target's Pillow Fort line. 

 A childrens Poang and a close up of the reclaimed shelves.

 We fell in love with this little rustic looking clock at Ikea so I can keep track of how long I spend nursing. and the bear is a night light, again from Target's Pillow Fort line. Its really sweet all lit up at night!

 

Fun fact this Bison was bought for me when I was 18 months old because I could snort like the Bison in Yellow Stone. 

 

We found this dresser on craigslist and were able to paint and customize it for our needs, it also meant we didn't need to take up extra space for a changing table since its the right height. (Bonus it has a mate that we haven't done anything with yet but put in Daddy Pajama and I's bedroom where we desperately needed more storage!) 

Look at these precious fawn drawer pulls we put onto the top two drawers of the his dresser. (We found them on Etsy!) 

Little Pajamas was amazed at my abilities to create this arrow using painters tape while we put the blue layer on the dresser. There is one on the other side pointing down, but its hidden by his corner laundry hamper. 

 

This crib skirt is another DIY its fully adjustable so it wont be all bunched up on the ground as we lower the crib once he learns to stand. Plus I love the arrow print, it has so many of the colors we incorporated into the nursery... On a side note I have a ton of extra fabric from it which happens to be out door fabric so I'll likely be making something fun with the remainder for next summer.

Another on par Ikea find. 

And me! 36 weeks pregnant! Were getting close folks!! 

I have a ton more pictures of my organized drawers and closet... but I think this is enough for this post. Its easily one of the most soothing rooms I've been in, its calm and cool and just right for our little explorer. We are so excited for him to make his debut! 

To the Twenty-something Mums

Did you see the blog post, your thirty something mom friends shared to facebook this week? Isn't it cute that they think they are only going to miss out on a decade of "being themselves"? Or maybe that's privilege they get for having had three decades to get to know themselves before seemingly giving up who they are to become a mom.

I read this post, despite the title. I thought surely this will apply to me too, most similar blog posts done make me feel like shit or make me want to scream (sure at myself). The other twenty-something mom's out there know what I'm talking about.

The Mom uses a pool reference, she talks about all the thirty somethings in the kiddie pool with their kids, while the shiny unknowing 20 somethings read magazines and sip on cool beverages without a care in the world.... To the 20 something moms who may have been mixed in with that crowd I SEE YOU your the one checking your phone not for Instagram, but to make sure you can make it pick your kid from Grandma's on time, and trying to enjoy your last thirty minutes with your friends in between the two jobs your working or the billion college classes to have a little you time. I SEE YOU I know that you don't get the privilege of self care and that you've chosen to spend that time with the friends who you rarely see, and even more rarely see without having to bring your kid.

Don't worry twenty-something mom who brought her kid to the pool with her. I SEE YOU too, you'r there with the thirty something moms. Your hyper focused on your kid because its much easier to be focused on your kid than being the odd mom out. The thirty something moms, don't see you. I see the way you ache in jealousy of them as they talk about their husbands, and their mortgage payments, and compare their $600 strollers that neither will admit doesn't make their life better. I see the way you hurt as you wonder if having a child so young will have harmed him, as you wonder if you'll be able to give your child the life they deserve, because so much of yourself still has to focus on the little day to day. The thirty something moms talk around you, and your kid plays with their kids not knowing whats going on, the moms they assume your in the same boat as them.

To the twenty something mom who works on home work while her infant nurses, rather than read a book or watch netflix I SEE YOU. (It really is amazing how we figure out that our child will fit between us and lap top to write a paper and how long our arms really are)

To the twenty something single mom who gets dresses up for a date on a Friday night and has to battle with herself about if its worth it to give up the three hours with her kid for a chance at a "real family". I SEE YOU. I also see your toddler who sits at your sink and "helps" you get ready, the Thirty Something Moms toddlers are down stairs with Dad watching TV while their moms get ready.

To the twenty-something Mom who is the only parent at pre-school with one kid, I SEE YOU. I know that you made the decision to space your kids farther out so you could "get your life together" before having another. I SEE YOU, I AM YOU.

By the time I am a thirty something Mom, I will have a child turn 10 years old. My supposed decade will be up. Yes I will also be a thirty something Mom with a pre school aged child. Two sides of the same coin.

Here is what I will never know, I won't know whats its like to spend my twenty's saying "I'll never be that Mom". I'll never know what its like to be turning 21 inside a bar. I won't know what its like to take a vacation with my girl friends.There is a lot that I won't know about what its like to be twenty something and unattached.

Here is what I do know, my first child will finish high school before I am one of the Forty-Something moms.

Occasionally I am asked why my husband and I didn't wait to get pregnant. *pokes 26 week pregnant belly* and I am amused. I didn't get the luxury of getting know my husband outside of the context of school friend, and straight from there to "will he make a good father" I didn't get the luxury of dating a guy for 10 months before learning he didn't want kids. HE never got to know me outside of the context of me being Mom, even at school that doesn't go away. So I tell them, "We dont get to just get to know each other until all of our kids are grown and out the house." ... We then have to hope they don't come back like I did.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is parenting is hard! It doesn't only last a decade and if you are a thirty something mom who read that blog post and went oh good I get to have my life back soon, your wrong. Little Pajama will always be the most important thing I've ever done in my life, and the thought of that ending after a decade (or even two!) is absolutely heart breaking.

Let's all try and be a little more inclusive in our parenting. Twenty Something Moms I meet when I am a Thirty Something Mom, I promise to try and ask you how you are, I promise to never judge you or not understand what your going through. I promise to see you, and talk to you, because I know how isolated you are. You've got this. I promise and just remember, your kids will be out the house before the thrity something moms kids will be!

And here we go again!

Being a Mom is just about my favorite thing. I've mentioned before that out of all of the things in my life that I've contemplated doing, being a mom was never one I questioned. One way or another someday I was going to be a mom.
Just under 7 years ago (HAS IT SERIOUSLY BEEN THAT LONG SINCE I FOUND I WAS PREGNANT WITH LITTLE PAJAMA!?!) I unexpectedly found myself pregnant with little Pajama, at just barely 20, and still very much in school, and very much single I remember that positive pregnancy test probably more clearly than anything else. It was one of the most defining moments in my life, and as anyone who has ever had a positive pregnancy test that was taken weeks after your LMP you know how fast that second line shows up (REALLY FAST) there was no waiting, there was the result I was going to have a baby, I was going to be a mom. (Don't get me wrong I am very pro choice, but there was no contemplation there for me for any other choice.) There I was with the one thing at my young age I knew I had always wanted, but so was not where I wanted to be in my life. I cried, like a lot. (Thank goodness for awesome room mates). I knew in that moment I wouldn't ever put myself (or a child) in that position again.

In 2010 I welcomed little pajama into my life, and let everything change. I got a degree a few years later, and after the degree I got a boy friend. That boy friend became my fiance and then back in January of this year we got married. Guess what! Now I get to be a mom again! Everything is happy this time, and little pajama gets to be a big brother, and he is going to be totally awesome at it.

That being said I am at the tail of my first trimester. Nausea is mostly subsiding, and the fatigue is ebbing (for the most part - but lets face it I've been tired since that first pregnancy test; its part of parenthood!) I've thrown up less than I did in my first pregnancy but the nausea has been way way worse. I also have a job now. So that's totally different. Telling your boss, and co-workers your pregnant is way harder than I expected it to be (I still haven't told my workers honestly-- my boss who I'm closer with knows as well as HR but like it doesn't come up organically when you work with middle aged men it just doesn't.). I still have to figure out FMLA and how much I can actually afford to take, but that's another post ( a likely very ranty post).
I've also over all been far less emotional - honestly I think I'm to tired for it. There was admittedly one break down where I was upset with Daddy Pajamas and I melted into a puddle crying and screaming at him at the foot of our bed.. like onto the floor at the foot of our bed. I don't for the life of me remember what I was upset about (it was REALLY irrational) it passed quickly and all was forgiven.  But no tears over things like the Incredibles which turned me into a blubbering mess during my first pregnancy.

Some things that will definitely be different this time, I have a house I can actually put baby things in! I have a whole room I can put a baby in with its things! (Trust me I am fully aware though that despite the being growing inside of me will have its own bed I'm still going to co-sleep so maybe we will end up putting Daddy Pajamas in the baby's room instead! jk dear.. I think) This means lots of research, I have this whole compulsion to like "do things the right way this time" whatever that means.
I still have some of my loved products from the first time around, crib, awesome Eddie Bower high chair (my kitchen accidentally matches this high chair...or my tastes haven't changed much either way its cool!), and a nice jogging stroller plus a few other items. But this all also means I've done this rodeo and I've learned a lot in my 6+ years of parenting, but a lot has changed in whats available too.
At least I know more about what I want versus what an inexperienced parent may think they want (Me included!) I'm excited to have the chance to get to do things "the right way" this time.

Its going to be a fun ride, so we'll see now that its all public like, I can try and post more.

Slurpees can't fix everything, but they sure can help

Today sucked. I don't have a reason why, other than it just did. After a very busy summer, today I had very little to do. This made my day drag by. Plus my patience and focus in general is not top notch on Thursday's. Little Pajama has been excessively whinny after about a month of being really, pretty good other than whining when its really obvious whats up (tired, hungry etc).

Today sucked because of all those little things that are elusive. The things that are at the tip of your tounge and you can't quite get your brain to realize. We've been busy, like REALLY busy lately. On top of planning a wedding, and coaching soccer, and working full time, little Pajama started kindergarten, which is great, and he seems to be doing really there. We run into his friends at the grocery store, and he'd already been to a birthday party.

This meant you know, another change. An adjustment to routine and schedule which, honestly I'm starting to wonder who that throws off more, me or him. Then that routine sometimes gets in further changed, since he doesnt have before/after school care at the school yet he still spends time with his grandmother during this part of the day. Today that routine got changed the last minute and rather than them being at our home as I had planned, they were at Grandmas, which taking a 5 year old away from his grandparents house is like pulling gum off the bottom of the shoe, you try and try and eventually end up throwing the shoe in the freezer, or in my case making your kid cry.

I've been exhausted (more on this in a minute) combined with everything else this exhaustion just overwhelmed me, As he sat in the back seat crying his crocodile tears, I tried to explain why I was upset, and started crying myself. I asked him if a Slurpee would help knowing there was a 7 Eleven just up the street and he said yes. So I said fuck it and I got us Slurpee's and you know what, we both feel better because of it. It was nice to do something small and simple just us, to help boost both of our moods, and it cost less than 5 bucks. (We got sour straws sooo ya know)

As a mom I am of course not a stranger to exhaustion. But the last few weeks I realized I hadnt been taking my iron supplement for well.. probably more than a year. I have historically low iron, which can lead to serious exhaustion. Were trying to be healthy so there is also just not a lot of red meat in my diet. I realized I needed to start taking my supplement again. Self care is unfortunately one of those things that mom's forget so easily. I know that I do anyways. I dont take as much time to linger in a hot shower, sip a cup of tea or read my book as I should, or hey put my own silent rant out into the blog-overse to be heard (because lets face it, this is less blog and more continuous mom rant) Which ranting is healthy at least to me.

I know I have a lot more to say about all of this probably, but I am going to go stir some soup, and take another slurpee slurp instead of continuing my rambling. Thanks guys. I just had to put it out there.